Needing to conduct a pathology test, a doctor asked a simple Irish woman for a speciman. Not wishing to confess her ignorance, she returned home & went next door to ask her neighbour what a speciman was. She came back all battered & bruised & generally dishevelled. When hubby asked her what happened, she said, ” I asked Sally what a speciman was & she told me to go pee in a bottle. So I said go shit in your hat, & the fight was on.”
Author: admin
Scale Mama
Yo Mama Iz So Fat When She Stepped On The Scales It Read To Be Continued
3 men
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how
faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can’t count how many times I cheated
on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on
Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a
run-down truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife
once, just once! We were going through problems and I took
the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder
to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and
worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after
work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went
travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and…
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud
of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when
they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the
road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and
crying your eyes out? You’re acting like some ungrateful
bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: “I just saw my wife on rollerskates!”
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
Blindman Job Trial
A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job. The boss didn’t want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, he’d hire him. He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.
The employee thought, “How did he do that?” Next he took him to a pile of 2×4’s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed. They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back. The blind man walked around and sniffed.
Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more. Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over.
They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said
“You think you’ve got me, don’t you? Well I know what that is. That’s the shit house door off of a tuna boat!
You get the most of
You get the most of what you need the least.
Why are blondes like
Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores? Open 24 hours a day.
Unruly Parrot
Once there was a man who had a parrot who said nothing but,
“Polly wanna cracker.” The man got tired of hearing this from
his pet so one day he let his parrot go and told it to go learn
some new words and not to come back until he had.
So the parrot began his journey and the first place that he saw
was a mechanics body shop, so the parrot flew into the garage
and he heard the mechanic say, “Man, it is hot as hell in
here!!” So the parrot continued on his trip and kept repeating,
“Man it is hot as hell in here!!”
The next place the parrot flew by was a baseball stadium, and he
heard someone yell, “Let it fly!” So the parrot continued on his
journey saying, “let it fly, let it fly!”
The next day the parrot flew over a farm and he overheard a
farmer telling his workhand to look at that cow lying over in
the pasture. The farmer told his farmhand, “Go over there and
kick that ol’ bitch and see if she is alive.” So the parrot went
around saying that as well.
On the way back to his home the parrot stopped by a church to
see what was going on. Once he entered the church, the parrot
loudly said, “Man, it is hot as hell in here.” The preacher
immediatly stopped preaching, turned around and said, “You hush
your mouth or I will throw the good book at you.” So the parrot
proudly reiterated, “Let it fly, let it fly.” About that time,
the big fat lady that was playing the piano fainted and hit the
floor very hard. “Go over there and kick that ol’ bitch and see
if she is alive.” shouted the parrot.
International restroom
Q. If you’re Australian going into the bathroom and American coming out, then what were you inside the Batroom?
A. European (You’re a-peein’)
What Bush’s Speech Shoulda Been
Good evening my fellow Americans.
First, I want to pass on my condolences to the people of New
York and all Americans that are hurting in this tragic time. You
can rest assured that anything and everything that can be done
to assure the safety of our country will be done. This is the
greatest country in the world and we will get through this
trying time. Now is the time for all people to set aside our
petty differences and show the world that no one or nothing can
destroy the fortitude of the American people.
To the people responsible for today’s tragedy, I say this: Are
you fucking kidding me? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped
too tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Do you not
know who you are fucking with? Americans are so hungry to kill,
that we shoot at each other every day. We will relish that
opportunity for new targets for our aggression. Have you
forgotten history? What happened to the last people that started
fucking around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards over
in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about
2 million of them in their own back yard. That’s what we in
America call a big ass barbecue. Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever
wonder why it’s so big? Because we wanted it that way, Mexico
started jacking around with the Alamo and now they cut our
lawns. England? We sent them packing.
Ask your buddy Saddam about fucking with the good ‘ole USA. The
only reason he got away the first time is because it’s too hard
to shoot someone when you’re doubled over laughing at them. Our
soldiers aren’t trained to laugh and shoot at the same time. Now
he couldn’t stop a pack of cub scouts from taking over his
shitty little country.
Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go
ahead and try to hide, Bin Laden. There’s not a hole deep enough
or a mountain high enough that’s going to keep your camel riding
asses safe. We will bomb every inch of the country that harbors
him, his camps and any place that looks and even smells like he
was there. Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people that
have pissed us off in the past. This is America. We kick ass.
This is what we do. Go ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks
are coming and we will smoke your sorry asses.
God bless America!
The Three Stooges died and went to Heaven….
The Three Stooges died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them at the
Pearly Gates and told them that, in order to enter Heaven, each one had to
answer a question correctly. If they gave the wrong answer, they would end
up in Hell.
St. Peter turned to the first stooge and asked: “What is Easter?”
The first stooge replied “That’s when kids get dressed up in costumes and go
door to door collecting Trick or Treat.”
“No, stupid”, said St. Peter. “That’s Halloween. You’re down to Hell!”
St. Peter turned to the second stooge and asked “What is Easter?”
The second stooge answered “That’s when the fat man in the red suit comes
down the chimney and leaves gifts for everybody.”
“No, you moron”, said St. Peter. “That’s Christmas. Go down to Hell!”
St. Peter turned to the third stooge and asked, in a very exasperated tone
of voice, “What is Easter?”
The third stooge answered “That’s when Jesus rises out of his grave.”
“And…” said St. Peter.
“And, if he sees his shadow there’s another six weeks of winter!”
Q: How do you
Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.