Email from mum

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s flatmate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his flatmate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum’s thoughts, John volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just flatmates.’

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’

John said, ‘Well, I doubt it but I’ll write her an email just to be sure.’

So he sat down and wrote,
‘Dear Mother, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house and I’m not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner’

Several days later john received an email from his mother which read,
‘Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Julie and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum.’

Clocks in Heaven

A man passed away and went to heaven. When the man arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, “Come on in. I’ll show you around. You’ll like it here”.
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter what the deal was. Why are all these clocks here in heaven? St Peter replied, the clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move. Click. The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute.Sam must be into closing a customer right now said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.
The man and St Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. Whose clock is this” asked the man. That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all of his friends. When the tour was over the man said, ” I’ve seen everyone’s clock but President Clinton’s. Where is his clock?”
Saint Peter smiled, “Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan!”

No Variety Allowed

After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn’t pick on them.

Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:

Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I’d like a Big Mac.

Cashier: Okay, here’s your Big Mac and here’s your Coke. That’ll be $3.99.

Joe: Uh, I don’t want a Coke.

Cashier: Sorry, they’re bundled.

Joe: What? I’m not paying for a Coke!

Cashier: You don’t; the Coke is free.

Joe: But wasn’t a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It’s got integrated Coke!

Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street… I’m not going to drink the Coke.

Cashier: Then you can’t have the burger.

Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

Cashier: Oh, you can’t do that. They’re seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.

Joe: How can that be? They’re two totally separate things!

Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

Joe: Why did you just do that?!

Cashier: It’s a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you’d end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you’re assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.

Joe: Aaarrgh!

Naked man outside the window

It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. “Please come quickly!” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!”The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.”Where is he?” asked the receptionist.”He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. “It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?””The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”

A Sweet Ass Story

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Good bar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, �Hey Sweetheart, how’d
you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?�

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure
Almond Joy!

I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that
this little Twix had the Red Hoots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went
up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream �Oh Henry, Oh Henry!�

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn’t be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky
Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, �Hey Chick let, no kinky stuff.� I
said, �Look you little Reese’s Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why
don’t you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?�

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, �Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!� as I rammed
my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all the sudden… my
Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and
complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

Blonde Quickies

Why can’t blondes take coffee breaks?
They’re too hard to retrain.

How do you know when a blonde has used your computer?
There’s white-out all over the screen.

Why did the blonde freeze to death at the drive in movie?
She went to see CLOSED FOR THE SEASON.

Why did the blonde write “TGIF” on her shoes?
To remind her that “toes go in first.”

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
RUN!!! – she’s got a grenade in her mouth!

What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in spring training.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

How do you get a blond out of a tree?
Wave

How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

What’s the Blonde’s cheer?
” I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B.L.O.N….ah, oh well..
I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea…”

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette
said, “Oh, look at the dead bird.” The Blonde looked up and said, “Where?”

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some
tracks. The first blonde said, “These look like deer tracks.”
The other one said, “No, they look like moose tracks!” They
argued for quite a while. In fact, they were still arguing when
the train hit them.

Blame the dog

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She’s not ready yet, so he has
to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really
needs to relieve some pressure.

Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can
let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did
it.

He farts, and the woman yells, “spot, get down from there�.
The guy thinks, “great, they think the dog did it�. He releases another fart,
and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
this goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally the woman yells, “dammit spot, get down before he s**** on you�.

Find me

One day three boys were riding their bikes in the woods. One of them got lost, so the other two rode their bikes to the police station and reported him missing. The officier asked the two boys what their names were and they replied Shutup and Mindyour Bussiness. The officier replied are you looking for trouble. Shutup said yeah he has my jacket.