A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, “I wish you had a flashlight.”
He says, “Why’s that?”
She says, “Because you’ve been eating grass for fifteen minutes.”
Author: admin
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments…
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His
answer?
“3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7”.
Smart Baby
A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.
One day, he made three predictions. One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die.
Sure enough, a year later he died.
The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance.
Sure enough, a year later she died. He figured he had a year to live it up with that life insurance, which he did, spending every penny of it.
The eve of his projected death, he drank himself into a stupor. To his amazement, he woke up the next morning with nothing more than a bad hangover. He stumbled to the back porch to get the milk for his coffee, where he found the milk man dead.
My Dad’s a Lawyer
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Icy
What do you get when you cross a computer with an ice road?
A hard drive.
What do you get if you lie under a cow A pat…
What do you get if you lie under a cow A pat on the head
It’s a small world. So
It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Pope Crossword
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was
on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman.
“I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in
person.”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
“This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords.
Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but
do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unto’?”
Only one word leapt to mind. “My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t
tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”
The gentleman thought for quite a while, and then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for
is ‘aunt’.”
“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
Dictionary for women
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Panama Canal
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: One’s a busy ditch.
Perfect shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, “What`s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man. I know your uphill shots. You don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Lied ‘Bout Yellow Cake And Got A War For Me
Lied ‘Bout Yellow Cake And Got A War For Me
As sung by Dubya, The Lyin’ King:
(instrumental intro)
Polls suck at home; I’m bidin’ time.
Though I failed at oil biz, this throne is mine.
But if things don’t get better, selling new wars sets me free.
Though I don’t know what to do, neocons want me.
Neocons want me.
I lied ’bout yellow cake and got a war for me.
It’s been three long years; my foes still taunt me.
Though lyin’ and still fibbin’, Bush fans vote for me.
Look tough, hear me cuss; I won’t be a wuss.
Put no blame on me.
So what? I lied ’bout yellow cake and got a war (and got a war) for me.
(brief instrumental break)
“Conniver!” world screamed at me.
But I really couldn’t care, ’cause I don’t see.
Protestors should get prison; Ashcroft, throw away the key.
A lie ’bout yellow cake uranium got war for me.
My war, I sold with ease…
I lied ’bout yellow cake and got a war for me.
It’s been three long years; my foes still taunt me.
Though lyin’ and still fibbin’, Bush fans vote for me.
Look tough, hear me cuss; I won’t be a wuss.
Put no blame on me.
So what? I lied ’bout yellow cake and got a war (and got a war) for me.
(instrumental break)
Now the whole damned world is jeering…
‘Cause they don’t believe in me…
My lie ’bout yellow cake still got a war (still got a war) for me.
They’re dumb at home…
Eat your yellow cake, and vote for me…
Eat your yellow cake, and vote for me…
Eat your yellow cake, and vote for me…