You know your a redneck when the closest vending machine contains Live Bait instead of soda.
Author: admin
Economist Valentines
4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding
dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let’s raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.
redneck
If you walk your child to school each morning because you are in the same grade, you might be a redneck.
— Jeff Foxworthy
Touchdown
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for
a few
minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, “Seven points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
“Touchdown. I’m ahead 7 to nothing.”
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown,
tie score.”
After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says,
“Touchdown
I’m
ahead 14 to 7.”
Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and
says
“Touchdown, tie score.”
The old man, not to be outdone, strains really hard but to no
avail.
He
can’t fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it
everything he
has, trying for one more fart. Straining real hard, the old man
shits
the bed.
The wife asks, “What in the hell was that?”
The old man replies, “Half-time… switch sides.”
Under the wagon
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over
to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and
visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t
think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa
won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a
lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the
way, where is he?”
“Under the wagon.”
Big job no way
Once upon a time there was this democratic sen. he fought Bush tooth and nail.
Well just say sen. Welstone of m.n.
Gorge boy getting very upset and could not find any way to get rid of
welstone. So he called crying to his dad and said� dad I am going to lose m.n.
To the democrats.hes dad replies� I know, but I will take care of this just like
I took care of you d.w.i.’s, your drug charges and your school grades”. So with
that said little gorge boy wiped his tears and said “thank you daddy”. A week
goes by and nothing happens and welstone is still winning. So gorge boy calls
his daddy again and says, “I thought you were going to take care of this”. His
father replies, “I have, I put one of mr lautens suicide pilots in place of his
reg. pilots. This way not only will you get to see him crash and burn but you
will be also able to see what is going to happen in just a few weeks; oh by the
way do not read the cia reports on your desk, that way after planes start
falling out of the sky you can just say it was the cia fault for not keeping
tabs on terrorist activity”. With that said gorge boy tell his dad “what would I
do with out you”. His father says laughing ” well you would just be getting out
of prison and would be working at mucky d’s right now!!!” gorge boy says with
excitement “really I always wanted to be a manager at micky d’s!!!
Surrealists
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?Fish.
Clinton’s Clock
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter,
so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not
very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the
offer. St.Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the
reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria
and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”
St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows
how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of
time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.” The
guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds his clock.”
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the
ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an
unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that
clock?”
“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s Bill Clinton’s clock. We
decided to use it as a fan.”
Un se�or fue a una
Un se�or fue a una tienda en un barrio chino y vio que estaban vendiendo un rat�n de oro. Le dio curiosidad y pregunt� al due�o:
“�Y ese rat�n de oro para qu� es?”
“Eso es de una leyenda antigua y la historia es muy larga. Si lo compra hay que comprar la historia aparte.”
“Entonces, compro el rat�n.”
“�No quiere la historia?”
“No.”
Y el tipo se fue con el rat�n. Al rato se dio cuenta que lo persegu�an muchos ratones. Al llegar a su casa, �sta se llen� r�pidamente de ratones. Preocupado, el tipo sali� a caminar, seguido por todos los ratones, tir� el rat�n de oro a una alcantarilla y los ratones se metieron al la acantarilla y se ahogaron.
El tipo regres� a la tienda y el due�o le dice al verlo llegar: “�Vino por la historia, no?”
“No. �Vine a ver si ten�a un abogado de oro!
Where does Monica Lewinsky go
Where does Monica Lewinsky go for sex on Friday night?
The Oval Office.
H. L. Mencken’s Law:
H. L. Mencken’s Law: Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Martin’s Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate.
Two Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time…
you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.”