Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?A: Divorcee’
Author: admin
Flakes
What do you call three blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A blonde and grenade
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Catch it, pull the pin, and throw it back!
Nitroglycerin explode
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man
had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about
the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming
himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
Rain is saved up in
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Times Bachelor Made His Bed
What is the average number of times in a bachelor’s life that his bed is made?
Once, when it was still in the factory.
Fun News Facts
- Judge J.R. Musslewhite was reprimanded for fondling female prosecutors and drinking the evidence in a drunk driving trial.
- New York City P.S. 100 principal Stuart Possner was charged with stealing $76,000 in school funds, partially obtained from forcing students to watch wrestling movies for a $2 fee and keeping the money.
- Lonnie Davidson, 40, was arrested in Twin Falls, Idaho, for posing in a carpet store window like a mannequin, naked from the waist down.
- Diane Childs of Elgin, Illinois, was charged with marijuana possession after her 8-year-old daughter called 911 and turned her in.
- Tampa, Florida’s University Community Hospital, which in the past month has faced lawsuits for amputating one patient’s good leg and killing another after accidentally removing his ventilator, now faces a third suit for removing a patient’s healthy ovary, leaving behind her diseased one.
- Ohio investigators exhumed the body of Stanley Karey, who was shot in the chest and run over by a bulldozer, to determine whether coroner Joseph Sudimack Jr. erred in declaring Karey’s death a suicide.
- For Lauderdale police said that two boys, 14 and 15, who were lacking bus fare when they left a hearing on charges that they had stolen twenty-five cars, stole a twenty-sixth to return home.
- Michael Towne, a Denny’s restaurant cook in Lebanon, New Hampshire, was charged with assaulting two Vermont state troopers after liberally applying Tabasco sauce to their order of eggs.
- Audrey Ausgotharp, a Jewish mother who allowed her children to visit the Cornerstone Baptist Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado, was told by the church that it had “accidentally” baptized her 7-year old son Wayne during Sunday school.
- A state medical board in Wilmington, North Carolina, ruled that neuro-surgeon Raymond Sattler, investigated for leaving a patient’s head cut open while he broke for lunch, may practice again provided he continues undergoing psychiatric and medical evaluations.
- One hundred and fifty police officers attended a conference in Dundalk, Maryland, to learn how to be “more sensitive to witchcraft.”
- David Duke of Logan, Utah, was given eighteen months probation for calling in a bomb threat to Ohio State University on a day he didn’t feel like taking a test.
- Eight-year-old Marisa Means of Milford, Ohio, accompanied her father, Bill, to his engineering job on Take Our Daughters to Work Day and saw him get fired.
- Charles Staggs sued the Davenport Medical Center in Davenport, Iowa, for leaving a 14-by-14 inch sponge in his abdomen during a gall bladder operation. The medical center maintains he swallowed it.
- The city of Los Angeles announced a $4 million revamping of its jury system that included the issuing of mandatory thank-you notes to jurors.
- Police in Queens, New York, arrested Majid Alajani after discovering that a search for his allegedly kidnapped son was merely a ploy to quickly locate his car, which had been stolen.
- Upholding an absolutist prohibition on bringing weapons to school, administrators of the Agnes Little School in Pawtucket, Rhode Island, suspended a 6-year-old kindergarten student for carrying a knife, which he brought to cut cookies.
- Manhattan Federal Judge John Keenan overturned the conviction of alleged drug trafficker Dale Tippins, ruling that Tippins’s Sixth Amendment right to effective legal counsel was violated when his attorney fell asleep for significant portions of the trial.
- Ohio liquor control agents received complaints about three male strippers, including a 75-year old, who made physical contact with patrons, simulated sex acts and exposed bare buttocks while dancing for a Women’s Auxiliary of the Veterans of Foreign Wars.
- Spraggs, Pennsylvania, school officials asked bus driver Mary Burke to stop leading prayers and distributing religious materials while driving children to school.
- The Ku Klux Klan won the right to participate in Ohio’s Adopt-a-Highway litter clean-up program.
- Austin, Texas, police officials tried to give away 1,000 pairs of used brown polyester sheriffs’ pants and 500 matching polyester shirts after failing to find anyone willing to pay for them.
- A month after clarifying to parishioners that tithing is not God’s command, but merely voluntary, the Pasadena-based Church of God suffered a 30 percent drop in income, causing the worst financial crisis in the church’s history.
- Late for school, a 7-year-old boy from Colebrook, New Hampshire, abandoned his bicycle and stole a Ford Escort.
- A San Francisco radio station offered a case of Snapple to the family of the one-thousandth person to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.
- Jim Harnsberger, who has been married five times, owes $18,000 in child support and has been accused of threatening an ex-wife and former girlfriend, is the leader of a San Diego, California, family values group.
- Connecticut Judge Socrates Mihalakos has ruled that Nancy Sekor, a middle-school teacher fired for incompetence in 1993, must be re-instated because she was judged incompetent in only two of the three subjects she taught.
- Thirty-five percent of Americans surveyed in a recent poll said they would support printing advertisements on dollar bills if it meant lower taxes.
Rather Yell
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
“Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.
“That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a
minister?”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
Nostalgic Scotsman
Duncan, the Scottish shipping magnate had returned to his hometown of Glasgow with a client, and they were walking on the shore while the ship was being loaded. Duncan stopped on a hill in a field near the city, pointed to a tree at the base of the hill, said “It was under that tree that I lost my virginity to a wonderful girl.” The client was impressed, mentioned that it must have a very special place in his heart. Duncan nodded, then said, “It was right here on this hill that the girl’s mother stood while I lost my virginity that night.”The client was unbelieving. He said, “You mean to tell me that this woman just stands here and watches you and her daughter going at it down there?” Duncan nods. The client says, “Well, what’d she say?” Duncan says, “Baaa.”
Three Blonde Men and the River
Three blond men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don’tknow how to get across. The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across. The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across. Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.
Sex Change Operation
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During
the game the guys notice the girl knows much more about the game then they
do, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, “How is it that
you know so much about baseball?” She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and
got a sex change.”
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
“What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT
off?”
“That *was* very painful, but was not the most painful part.”
“Was it when they cut off the sack holding the family jewels?”
“That was very painful too, but was not the most painful part.”
“What was the most painful part?”
“The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half.”
Bill Gates, el hombre m�s
Bill Gates, el hombre m�s rico del mundo, el creador de Microsoft hab�a muerto y llega con San Pedro.
San Pedro le dice: “Mira, te mereces el Cielo, porque gracias a ti los humanos tienen una vida m�s c�moda y hay una computadora en cada casa, pero por esa porquer�a de Windows 95 te mandar�a directo al infierno, as� que te voy a dejar escoger”.
Lo deja entrar al Cielo, y Gates observa un coro de �ngeles cantando, y mucha paz y tranquilidad, y piensa: “Esto est� bien, pero es muy aburrido”.
Entonces, le pide a San Pedro que le deje ver el infierno. Atraviesan las puertas del cielo y Gates se sorprende de ver a unas modelos desnudas en la playa, tomando el sol, en una gran fiesta. Por supuesto, el multimillonario opta por la segunda opci�n.
San Pedro se despide de �l y, despu�s de 2 semanas, decide ver que tal la pasa su amigo en el infierno y en un rato libre se asoma por ah�. Al llegar, ve que unos demonios est�n tortur�ndolo con cadenas y l�tigos. En el momento, Gates le pregunta desconcertado que qu� hab�a pasado con la fiesta y con las mujeres desnudas.
“�Ah, ese era el protector de pantalla!”