Author: admin

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a half.

The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.”

As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”.

“Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota,” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just hookers and hockey players up there.”

“My wife is from Minnesota!”

The boy replied, “Oh Really! What team did she play for?”

Un hombre en sus cuarentas compr� un BMW y sali� a correrlo a la autopista a toda velocidad, cuando de pronto vio la luz roja y azul de una patrulla sigui�ndolo.

“No hay forma de que me alcancen con este auto”, pens� y aceler� a fondo. Tras unos segundos, se dio cuenta del problema en el que se estaba metiendo, y se detuvo a un lado de la carretera.

El polic�a se acerc� a �l, tom� su licencia sin decir nada, la examin� con cuidado y revis� el auto. Despu�s le dijo:

“Mire amigo, ha sido un d�a muy pesado, estoy a punto de terminar mi turno y adem�s es viernes. No tengo ganas de hacer papeleo, as� que si puede darme una excusa para su exceso de velocidad que no haya escuchado nunca antes, lo dejar� ir.”

El tipo lo pens� por un segundo y respondi�:

“La semana pasada mi esposa se fug� con un polic�a. Ten�a miedo de que usted estuviera tratando de regres�rmela.”

“�Que tenga un bonito fin de semana!, dijo el polic�a.

Your house is so dirty, I had to wipe my feet before I came outside.

“Guess what I heard in the bar today?” a man asks his wife upon returning home.

“They think the milkman has slept with every woman on our block except one.”

His wife replies, “I’ll bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis in No. 23.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.The angry lady demanded, ” What took you so long?”The unperturbed doctor replied, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.”

A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Mich U in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk “shop.”

One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

It’s now 7 days later and they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father O’Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first. “Wellll,” he says in a fine Irish brouge, “Ey wint oot into th’ wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi’ me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he becam as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He’s in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, “WELL brothers….you KNOW that we don’t

sprinkle…. WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God’s HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So’se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An’ jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God’s OOOOLY word.”

They both look down at the rabbi who’s lying in a hospital bed. He’s in a body cast & traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says “Oy! You don’t know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures.”