Sill in the crate

A guy on the golf course gets hit square on his junk with a slicing drive.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he can manage, he takes himself to the doctor and asks, How bad is it, doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin.

The doctor says, I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight, but it should be OK by next week.

With that, the doctor takes four tongue depressors, forms a four-sided bandage and wires it all together.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend, proceeds to marry her and they then leave on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room, the wife rips open her blouse for the first time to reveal a gorgeous set of knockers. She says, You’re the first, no one else has ever touched these breasts!

Taking a cue from his new bride, the man whips off his pants and responds, Take a look at this, it’s still in the crate!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

"The Man" Contest

In “THE MAN” world wide competition there are three finalists
left: a German, an American, and an Albanian. The last challenge
is who can survive the longest in a room with 500 pound gorilla.

So the American goes first. After 2 seconds the American comes
out with his clothes ripped off screaming and rubbing his ass.

The German looks at him and laughs. “You American pussy, he says
and goes in. But not even a second he comes out naked screaming,
“Ah my aaasssss!”

The last one is the Albanian. So he goes in. Five minutes go by
and he’s not coming out. Ten minutes, 20 minutes, 30
minutes…after one hour he comes out, without even a scratch on
him. Everybody is amazed. After 5 seconds the gorilla comes
out and in a soft voice says, “Are you coming back”?

Asking for legal advice

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running
unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand
payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don’t carry cash — it’s too plebeian — and the butcher hadn’t brought the
shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office].

Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer:
$20 due for a consultation.

What Can Bill Gates Do With His Money?

At last count, Bill Gates had an estimated net worth of $42
billion dollars ($42,000,000,000.000).

He has earned since his birth an average of $32.31per heartbeat,
and this is escalating. Here are some things he could do with
his money:

* Pay NBA MVP Michael Jordan’s salary for 1,394 years.

* Give every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth
$7.46.

* Pay every California Lottery prize for the next 34 years.

* Fund 158 Mars Pathfinder missions.

* Fund the US Department of Education for 19 years.

* Pay tuition for the residents of Seattle and Tacoma to go to
the University of Washington for four years.

* Fund the US presence in the Persian Gulf for 11 months.

* Fund the US peace keeping forces in Bosnia for 157 years.

* Buy 233,346,297 copies of Microsoft Windows 95.

* Buy 1,680,000,000 copies of his own book, buy more with his
royalties from those sales, continuing the cycle and easily the
best selling author of all time.

* Make Hanson the most successful musicians of all time by
buying 3,529,411,765 copies of “Middle of Nowhere.”

* If he wanted to challenge George Lucas (worth only $2
billion), he could make 227 sequels to “Waterworld,” or 35,000
sequels to “Sling Blade.”

* At the median donation for spending a night in the White
House, he coulds tay in the Lincoln Bedroom for 46,300 years.

* If he wanted to go on a killing spree in Los Angeles County,
at the rate that Simpson was charged, he could kill 3,360
people and pay all his attorney fees and punitive damages.

* At the rate of 1/2 ounce per $27 million, he could pay Mike
Tyson to eat 1/5 of Evander Holyfield.

* He could fly from Seattle to Paris and back on Air France
45,258,621 times.

* If he wanted to go to a local baseball game, he could buy
Seattle Mariners season tickets, all of them, for 411 years,
and with his spare change could buy the team and the Kingdome.

* At Denny’s, he could buy a “Grand Slam Slugger Breakfast” for
9,150,326,797 people.

* If he couldn’t get service, he could buy every man, woman and
child in China a Big Mac Extra Value Meal, as long as no one
“Super Sizes.”

* If they preferred, he could buy 17 billion packages of Top
Ramen noodles.

* He must like coffee, and could buy over 6 billion pounds of
French roast at his local Starbuck’s.

* Speaking of a cup of coffee, he could support one of those
Sally Struther’s foreign kids for 113,341,969 years. Perhaps
what he need to spend money on most is a new pair of glasses
and some hair conditioner.

Golf and the Physical Therapist

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist: “Please allow me to help. I’m
a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow
me”, she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright…I’ll be fine in a few minutes, he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How
does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell.

The Top 12 Rejected PETA Slogans

12. We Screw Up More Medical Research Before 9am Than Most People Do All Day

11. We Have More Overzealous Celebrities than the NRA!

10. I’d rather wear nothing, except maybe Versace leather pants.

9. “Don’t mistreat animals.” Now watch me say that naked.

8. Knuckle sandwiches: The only meat *you’ll* be eating, pal.

7. One Mink, Two Mink, Red Mink, Blue Mink

6. We Got Your McNuggets Right Here!

5. A Vegetable Killed Our Pa

4. Come For The Animals, STAY For The Supermodels!

3. You’re Just Lucky We’re Weak from Malnutrition, Chester!

2. Them Lil’ Smokies is Great!

1. Animals: don’t look at ’em, don’t touch ’em, don’t eat ’em, and for God’s sake, keep ’em the Hell away from your genitalia!

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]