Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling. But I don’t have any worries or troubles.Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
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COLLEGE HABITS TO BRING HOME
1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.
2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.
3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.
4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.
5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend’s phone number.
6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.
7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.
8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.
9. Yell “FLUSH!”
10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.
11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you’re in a stall.
12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.
13. Get dressed in the dark.
14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.
15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.
16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.
17. Order pizza every Friday night.
18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can’t sleep in a room
by yourself.
19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too
much extra space.
20. Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don’t miss them.
21. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don’t want to go out.
22. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail
withdrawal).
23. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack
machine and pay phone in the house.
Estaba Jaimito en su clase
Estaba Jaimito en su clase de arte, cuando en eso le tocaba salir a exponer su trabajo, y la maestra lo llama al frente.
Jaimito va y entonces confiesa a todos que no hab�a hecho nada, pero dice que preparo un acto de magia y la maestra acepta.
“Maestra, tr�igame una carpeta y si�ntese usted en ella”, dice jaimito.
“Bueno”, responde la maestra.
“Ya, cierre los ojos y ponga las manos debajo de la crapeta igual que yo”, ordena Jaimito.
“Ya, est� bien”, dice la maestra.
“Ok, t�meme un dedito”, dice jaimito.
“Ya.”
Entonces Jaimito levanta las dos manos y exclama:
“�Magia!”
Found in Educational Software
It’s passages like the following that make it all worthwhile:
What’s highway violence?
It’s when one driver get’s ticked off at another driver and does something about it using a weapon such as a gun, knife, club, or tire iron.
During the period 1990 through 1995, 218 deaths and thousands of injuries were reported nationwide. You can use Excel functions to learn more about this data.
Question??
there where three puffs in a bath, dooi, ray and mee.
a little while passed when dooi decided to get out and get ready.
ray then followed suit.
who does this leave __?
Thanksgiving
An old man in Austin calls his son in Dodge City (Kansas). The
conversation goes as follows.
Dad: Son, I hate to bring you the bad news … but your mother
and I, we are getting a divorce …
Son: WHAT?? You can’t! What about –
Dad: I’m sorry son! 45 years of misery is ENOUGH!! Now, I am
sick of talking about it, call your sister and tell her! (CLICK)
The son, nearly in tears calls his sister in New Orleans. The
conversation goes as follows.
Brother: Sis, Your not gonna believe this! MOM AND DAD ARE
GETTING A … A … DIVORCE!!
Sister: WHAT?!? OH NO THEY AREN’T! You stay put. I’ll call you
right back!! (CLICK)
The sister, calls the parents in Austin and the conversation
goes as follows.
Daughter: YOU TWO ARE NOT GETTNG A DIVORCE!!
Dad: Honey, listen –
Daughter: NO YOU LISTEN! YOU ARE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE! YOU KNOW
WHAT? YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING! I’M CALLING BROTHER BACK, WE’LL BE
THERE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! DON’T DO ANYTHING! (CLICK)
The father hangs up calmly and bounces his news paper to allign
it to his liking. He looked at his wife and said “Well, they are
coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own fares, what
shall we tell them on Christmas?”
No more
there were these three guys. a gay guy, a rich guy, and a mexican guy. they all died and went to heaven. but they wanter to come back so they asked god. he said that they could go back but only if they gave up 1 thing. the rich guy gave up his money, the gay guy gave up being gay, and the mexican guy gave up his mexican food. well one day the mexican guy was walking past a toco bell went in… had a toco and **poof** he was gone. then not to long later the rich guy and the gay guy were walking down the street and the rich guy saw a penny on the floor and (bent) down to pick it up and……..**poof** **poof** they were both gone
Viola joke
Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?A: Violists.
Golfing Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awaking around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.”Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.”Darling”, replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”
Jewish-American
Joe Lieberman, if elected President will not be the first Jewish-American person to hold the Presidency.
That, of course, would be Monica Lewinsky.
Fat joke
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck!
You may be the redneck if
You may be the redneck if
… your stall warning plays “Dixie�.
… your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
… you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
… you’ve ever used moonshine as avgas.
… you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
… you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
… your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
… you constantly confuse Beech craft with Beechnut.
… just before impact, you are heard saying, “Hey y’all, watch this!”
… you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
… you’ve ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
… you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
… you fuel your wiz bang 140 from a Mason jar.
… you wouldn’t be caught dead flying’ a Grumman “Yankee�.
… you refer to flying in formation as “We got ourselves a convoy!”
… there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank
service.
… when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck
One.
… you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
… you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.
… you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase “That’s a big 10-4!”
… you typically answer female controllers with titles like “sugar” or
“little darling’.”
… she responds with the words “Honey” or “Big guy” then she may be a
redneck.
… you have ever used a relief tube as a spittoon.
… you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.
… you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.
… the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains “Case of
Bud�.
… your go/no-go checklist includes the words “Shoal” or “Redman�.