Brezhnev gathers Politburo [top council in the country] and says: – Comrades,
you are growing senile and loosing your marbles. Yesterday, during the burial of
our dear comrade Gromyko when the music started playing only me I got the hint
and asked a lady for a dance.
Author: admin
Q: How many presidential
Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Less and less all the time.
Baseball Player
Why Did the Baseball player bring rope to the game?
He wanted to tie the score.
Stop repeat
Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them! Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?I intend to live forever – so far, so good.Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?What happens if you get scared half to death twice?I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.Black holes are where God divided by zero.All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
Dead Cow & The Mermaid
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”
The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”
Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”
Male & Female Brains
One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program. The doctor there was showing them brains from real peopleand telling how expensive it would be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a female brain and ten million dollars for a male brain. The men snickered, thinking they knew why. One of the women said, ”Well, why is that, sir?” The doctor answered, “The men’s brains cost more, for they have never been used.”
Deductive Reasoning
Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.”
New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly.”
Neighbor 1: “So, what is it you do for a living?”
New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.”
Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what’s that?”
New Neighbor: “Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.”
Neighbor 1: “That’s right.”
New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.”
Neighbor 1: “Right again.”
New Neighbor: “Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife.”
Neighbor 1: “Correct.”
New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.”
Neighbor 1: “Yup.”
New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning.”
Neighbor 1: “Cool.”
Later that same day:
Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.”
Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”
Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job.”
Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah, what does he do?”
Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.”
Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?”
Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?”
Neighbor 2: “No.”
Neighbor 1: “Fag!”
Which day does a fish hate?
Which day does a fish hate?
Fryday
Knock KnockWho’s there?Gravy!Gravy who!Gravy Crockett!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Gravy!Gravy who!Gravy Crockett!
If your parents didn’t have
If your parents didn’t have children,
chances are you won’t either.
Three men died and they went to the pearly…
Three men died and they went to the pearly gates. Saint Peter told them
that the kind of vehicle they would drive in heaven depended on how they
lived their life.
He told the first man he would have a Cadillac because
he lived a good life and never cheated on his wife.
He told the second he would have a motorcycle because he only cheated on
his wife once and he regretted it.
Then he told the third guy he would have a bicycle because
he cheated on his wife alot.
Well, two years later, the man on the bicycle
spotted the man in the Cadillac crying.
He asked why he is crying since he
had such a nice car and the man replied, “I just saw my wife go by on a
skateboard!”
Short Lawyer Jokes I
The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, “Lawyers are horses’ asses.”
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: “Mister, watch what you say. You’re in horse country.”
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. “I don’t understand,” Cindy complained. “When people find out I’m a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?” Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.”
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “Let’s be honest with each other.”
“Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?”
“There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”
“Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.” You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement
A: A whine cellar.
Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are “avocat” in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.