Q: What do you call a group of blacks in a barn?
A: old antique farm equipment
Q: How do you get a black down from a tree?
A: cut the rope
Q: what do you call a black priest?
A: holy shit
Author: admin
Irishman, Mexican and a Redneck
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again. If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.
The redneck opened his lunch and said, Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.
Next day – the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral – The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again”
The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He makes his own lunch.”
Programming Contest: Jesus vs. Satan
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better
programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an
agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several
hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning
strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is
restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks
Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it
all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any
better.”
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid
display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the
speakers.
Satan is astonished.
He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’
program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.” ~~~~~~~~~~
Disabled Swimming Contest
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.He pick up the head, swims back up to the surface and places it at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:”Three long years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some prick puts a swimming cap on me !!”
Different horses
Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail and our friend was stuck again.The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn’t tell them apart.The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
88, 89…
There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting “88, 88, 88, 88…” until a blonde came up to her and said, “that looks like fun, can I try?” The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, “88, 88, 88, 88..” “Well,” said the brunette, “that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street” So the blonde said “OK” and stood in the middle of the street. “88, 88, 88, 88-” BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, “89, 89, 89, 89…
His parents had just moved
His parents had just moved to town, and it was his first day in first
grade at the new school. He was really nervous, but he didn’t do so badly,
he learned to count to ’50’, when most of the other kids could
only count to 30, (some kids got to 35, but our boy got all the way to 50
and only missed a couple of numbers)
Our hero was so excited, that when he got home he told his dad
how well he had done in school. His dad said “Son, you did so well
becuase you’re an [ethnic].”
The next day the kids learned the alphabet in school. Most of th ekids got
as far as ‘M’ or ‘Q’, but our hero got all the way to ‘Z’, and only missed
a couple of letters.
That evening, bursting with pride, he told his dad how he had done better
than all the other students
on the alphabet. His dad said “Son, you did so well
becuase you’re an [ethnic].”
The next day, in gym class, our hero notced that he was a bit more
“developed” than any of the other boys. That night he asked his dad
if was bigger than the other boys because he was an [ethnic]?
“No, son,” his dad told him, “You’re bigger than the other boy becuase
you’re eighteen.”
Signs That You'r
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT’S a drinking problem.9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.10. You fall off the floor11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.13. Every night you’re beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive14. I’m not drunk you’re just sober!!15. Roseanne looks good16. You don’t recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.19. You’ve fallen and can’t get up.20. The shrubbery’s drunk too, from frequent watering.
Fake Test
Hey kiddies! Tired of doing your homework? then print this page
out, and whenever your folks walk by, pretend you’re doing your
homework! Have fun!
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck
wood with a a gas powered chainsaw?
Bill has 3 apples and a pear. Nancy has an orange and 2
coconuts. If Bill gives Nancy 1 apple in exchange for a coconut,
which one is toatally bananas?
Jessie is 10 years old. If he has watched Brady Bunch reruns
every night for 3 years, what percentage of his life has Jessie
wasted?
As I was going to St. Ives, i met a man with seven wives. each
wife had seven kids, each kid had seven puppies. determine how
much the man spends on kibbles each month.
if I add 10 pints of water to a 1 gallon pitcher, what was i
thinking?
Two motorists leave Detroit at the same time heading south on
the same route. Motorist A is going at 55 m.p.h. Motorist B is
going at 75 m.p.h., but stops at Burger World and eats 3 Fat Boy
Burgers for lunch. Using the Pythagorean Theorem, determine
which motorist has red hair.
Mr. Snufflewhitt was driving on the highway from Springfield to
Elmsburg. Along the way, he passed through 5 toolbooths. Each
tollbooth charged Mr. Snufflewhitt 75 cents. Using Elucidean
geometry, express the percent of tollbooth operators named
“Betty Lou.”
If you cut a pie into quarters, then cut each quarter into
thirds, then cut each third in half, what do you have? is it:
(A) gazillionths
(B) messy fingers
(C) crumbs
Biff has $1000 in the bank. If he takes out $900 for a new pair
of sneakers, he will have enough left over for:
(A) sneaker insurance
(B) shoelaces
(C) a head examination
A cheese pizza at Mel’s Trattoria costs $7.00. Mel charges an
additional 50 cents for each extra topping. if Emily orders a
pepperoni-sausage-artichoke-garlic-pineapple pizza how much will
it cost her? Is it:
(A) nothing-Mel refuses to make a pizza with pineapple, which he
thinks is disgusting
(B) depends on how big a tip she leaves
(C) $9.50, plus the cost of industrial-strength breath mints
Those two evil friars
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village. As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the town’s elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh’s cabin. Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went. Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!! And the moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Waz up
you suck
Cockeyed
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
“Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.”
“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.”
“Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is cockeyed.”