Spoiled! When he was a new born his parents hired another baby to wet this diapers for him.
Author: admin
SMELL
WHY DO FARTS SMELL ?
FOR THE BENIFIT OF THE DEAF
Why don’t they teach driver’s
Why don’t they teach driver’s education and sex education on the
same day in Iraq?
– They don’t want to wear out the camel.
Pervert?
A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows the patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks, “What do you see?”
The patient replies, “Two people are having sex in the middle of a circular room.”
The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks, “What do you see?”
Patient answers, “Two people are having sex in a square room.”
The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks, “What do you see now?”
Patient replies, “Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?”
Redneck Defined
Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You’ve ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year�.
You’ve been on TV more than five times describing the sound of a tornado.
You’re probably a redneck if you can burp and say your name at the same time.
Globalization
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana’s death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French
tunnel, driving a German car with Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was
drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese
motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this
is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gates’ technology and you are probably
reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and
Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to
you. That, my friend, is Globalization.
Math through the Ages
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements od the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998:
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999:
A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?
Dead Fish
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Tampon, Cigarette?
A blonde walks into a bar and has a few drinks. Right before she
goes into the bathroom she puts a cigarette behind her right
ear. Five minutes later she goes back to her seat at the bar and
the bartender asks, “Why do you have a tampon behind your right
ear?” The blonde exclaims, “TAMPON?!?!?! then where did my
cigarette go?”
Train Stop
A man travelling on a train ask the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.”This train doesn’t stop at Victoria, it’s the express.””You are joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria!””Sorry sir. This train will not stop at Victoria.””There must be something you can do.””Well there is one thing …””What? anything! I need to get off!””Well, I’ll get the driver to slow down and I’ll dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform.””My God! Will that work?””It’s worth a try.”The train approaches the platform at 50 mph. The ticket collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running! The man is running in mid-air.”Run faster! Run faster!” The ticket collector lowers the man down.The man’s feet touch the platform! Smoke flies of his shoes and his heel comes off. The man is running for his life!The ticket collector lets go. The man is running at 30mph!He’s made it! he begins to slow down. He’s still running at 20mph alongside the train as the other passengers watch in amazement. As the last carriage goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train.As he’s being pulled into the carriage, he hears a voice say …”You’re lucky I was here to help! This train doesn’t even stop at Victoria!”
Church Language
After years of his wife’s pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher’s sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, “Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!”
The Preacher replied, “Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please…I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use the Lord’s name in vain!”
The man said, “I’m sorry Reverend, but I can’t help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!”
The Reverend said, “Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church”!
The man said, “Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!”
And the Reverend said, “NO SHIT?!”
Mopeds
What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
They’re both fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to see either one.