Newspaper

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car
phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy
that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the
car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Looking for Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.

He said “I would like to have one too” then I said “but this is a dog”

He said he didn’t care what she looked like.

Then I said “but you don’t understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old.

He replied that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.

I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex.

He said every room in this place is for sex.

I said “you don’t understand” Sex keeps me awake all night and the clerk replied “me too”.

I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.

Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

He told me that I could have sold tickets for that “but you don’t understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V.

He called me a Show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said “Your honor I had sex before we were married”

The judge said “me too”.

Then I told him that after we were married sex left me.

He replied “me too”.

Last night Sex ran off again I spent hours looking around for him.

A cop came over and asked me “What are you doing wandering around the alley’s at 4:AM”.

I replied “I am looking for Sex”

My case comes up in court on Friday.

Skiing Accident

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don’t move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.

“So, how’d you break your leg?” She asked, making small talk.

“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift.”

“So how’d you break your arm?”

Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch®…

Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch�

Question: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
Answer: Pick it up and shake it.

Question: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines
all over the screen.
Answer: Pick it up and shake it.

Question: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
Answer: Pick it up and shake it.

Question: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing
my art project.
Answer: Pick it up and shake it.

Question: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
Answer: Pick it up and shake it.

Question: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents
in the middle of my work?
Answer: Stop shaking it.

What Women Want

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The Question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur’s life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.

Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she’d been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don’t read until you’ve made your own choice.

………………….

…………………

………………..

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself!

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

Isn’t that beautiful?

But really now, what is the moral of this story?

If you don’t respect women, things are gonna get ugly!

Assorted 1

What’s the difference between a man and a condom?

Condoms have changed. They’re no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.

Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

What’s the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.

Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?
He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.

Why don’t women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they always dribble before they shoot.

Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?
He was destined to a life of DIY.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome,
the caring and the majority.

What’s a man’s ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.

What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.

What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don’t have to ask – you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?
Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.

What do you call a Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.

Un d�a, un buen hombre

Un d�a, un buen hombre de ciudad va al campo y se encuentra con un pastor que cuidaba un mont�n de ovejas blancas y negras y le pregunta:

“Escuche, �cu�nto pesan estas ovejas?”

“�Las blancas o las negras?”

“Las blancas”.

“Pues unos 15 kilos”.

“�Y las negras?”

“Tambi�n”.

El hombre, pensativo, le vuelve a preguntar:

“�Y cu�nta lana producen?”

“�Las blancas o las negras?”

“Las blancas”.

“Pues unos 3 kilos”.

“�Y las negras?”

“Tambi�n”.

Un rato despu�s, el citadino vuelve a preguntar:

“�Y le salen caras de alimentar?”

“�Las blancas o las negras?”

“Las blancas”.

“Pues un poquito”.

“�Y las negras?”

“Tambi�n”.

“Escuche, �por qu� siempre me pregunta si las blancas o las negras, si es la misma respuesta?”

“Porque las blancas son m�as”.

“�Y las negras?”

“Tambi�n”.