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In a small town in the rural south, poor, fun-loving, good-ole’-boy

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In a small town in the rural south, poor, fun-loving, good-ole’-boy
Billy Bob died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad, and the morgue needed
someone to identify the body. So, his two buddies, Jimmy Lee and Donnie Ray,
went down to the morgue.

Jimmy Lee went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Jimmy Lee said “Yep, he’s burnt so bad, I can’t tell from the front. Roll him over.”

So the mortician rolled him over. Jimmy Lee took one look at his ass and
said “Hell no, that ain’t Billy Bob.”

The mortician didn’t say anything but thought that was kind of
strange. Then he brought in Donnie Ray to identify. the body. Donnie Ray took a look at him and said “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, rollhim over.”

The mortician rolled him over. Donnie Ray looked down at his ass and said
“No, that ain’t Billy Bob.”
The mortician said “How can you tell?” Donnie Ray said “Well, Billy Bob had two assholes.”
“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yep, everybody in town knew he had two assholes. Hell, every time we went
to town, somebody would shout out: Here comes Billy Bob with them
two
assholes!”

President Clinton and Saddam

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President Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the UNSCOM inspections
in Iraq. As he sits down he sees three buttons in the armrest of Saddam’s chair.
When Saddam sits down, Clinton immediately asks, “Why the three buttons in the
armrest?” “You’ll see,” says Saddam. After 10 minutes, Saddam presses the first
button and WHACK, a boxing glove hits Clinton in the face. Clinton grabs his
nose while Saddam just laughs. Clinton manages to remain calm until, after
another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the second button, and another boxing glove
hits Clinton in the stomach. While Clinton’s gasping for air, Saddam falls out
of his chair from laughing. Clinton is highly annoyed by now, but remains
outwardly calm. After another 5 minutes, Saddam presses the third button, and
from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, this time right in the
crotch. Clinton is really fed up by it now and breaks off the talks. “We’ll
continue this next week in the White House,” says the President. Saddam has
tears in his eyes from laughing, and can only nod in agreement.
As agreed, Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval office a week later, and as
Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the armrest of Clinton’s chair. As
the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button and immediately
ducks, but nothing happens. This doesn’t stop Clinton from laughing … really
loud. Clinton continues where he left off, and after a few minutes presses the
second button. Saddam again reacts instinctively, and this time it’s Clinton who
falls out of his chair laughing. Saddam is totally bewildered, and wonders what
the hell is happening. But no harm has come to him, so he retakes his seat and
the talks continue.
After a few more minutes, Clinton presses the third button. This time, Saddam
doesn’t even flinch, but stays in his chair as though nothing unusual is taking
place. Clinton, however, is rolling on the floor, doubled over from laughter.
Saddam is not only bewildered-now he is angry. He springs to his feet and
shouts, “I’ve had enough of this, and I�m going back to Baghdad!” Through tears
of laughter, Clinton says, “Baghdad? … … What Baghdad????

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

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Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the
sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.

3b. Then … give him a Blow Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine.
Or, offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high
power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35
minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use would you or will you instead of you’d better or do as I say and no
one will get hurt.
7. When all else fails … Blow Job.
OK, seven rules.

My lord

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Once a servant walked into Lord Hamilton’s room and said, ‘Sir, your wife is
about to give birth. She has contacted an astrologer who predicted that in the
event it’s a boy, she will die. If it’s a girl, the father will die. And in the
event of twins, a servant will die.’
Lord Hamilton covered his knees with a plaid and said, ‘Go back to her and
help with the birth.’
After a while the servant returned and reported, ‘It’s a girl, My Lord.’ And
the servant dropped dead.

Cardinals test

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Three guys were applying for the priesthood. The Cardinal was going to give them a test. He tied a bell attached to a string on each of their penises. He told them that he was going to show them pictures of naked girls and if the bells rang then they would flunk the priesthood test.He showed the first guy the pictures and nothing happened. “you passed”, the Cardinal said.He showed the naked girls to the second guy. Nothing happened. “you passed.”He showed the pictures to the third guy. Nothing happened.The Cardinal said “all of you passed.” The Cardinal turned to put away the pictures but dropped them. He bent over to pick them up and all three bells went “ding, ding,ding.”

13 Things To Do At Walmart

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1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples’ carts
when they aren’t looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
“I think we have a code 3 in houseware,” and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M’s on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you’ll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
“Why won’t you people leave me alone.”

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
‘Mission Impossible.’

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through
whisper “PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!”

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the
fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!”