Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
Author: admin
Catholic Moms
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her
friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
‘Father’.
The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into
a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle “Well…?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2”, hard-bodied stripper…………
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God…’.”
Marital Sex
One year, a man recorded every day of the year and whether he had sex with his wife or not. In the 365 days he conducted his research, he only had sex 12 days. He recorded the reasons why his wife couldn’t have sex with him, and these are the results:
The sheets are clean 54 times It is too late 17 times Too tired from shopping all day 49 times It is too early 20 times It is too hot 15 times Pretending to be asleep 15 times The neighbors will hear us 3 times Headache 22 times Sunburn times Your Mother will hear us times Not in the mood 43 times You will wake the baby 17 times Watching the late show 6 times New Hairdo 5 times Too sore 16 times Wrong time of month 36 times Have to get up early 19 times And Here is this man’s wife’s version of the research: Came home drunk and tried to “do” the cat 15 times Did not come home at all 36 times Did not come 21 times Came too soon 33 times Went soft before you got it in 33 times Toes cramped 10 times Working too late 38 times Have to get up early to play golf 29 times Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 2 times Caught Herman in your zipper 4 times Caught a cold and your nose kept running 3 times Burned your tongue on hot coffee 3 times You had a splinter in your finger 2 times Came in your PJ’s while reading a dirty book 16 times Watching football on TV 8 times Hemorrhoids flared up 10 times
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?A: He’s the stiff one.
Sleeping on the job
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 9. “Actually I’m doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.” 7. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
There is a beautiful deserted
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
- 2 French men and 1 French woman
- 2 German men and 1 German woman
- 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
- 2 English men and 1 English woman
- 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
- 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
- 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
…
- 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
- The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
“menage a trois.” - The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate
with the German woman. - The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them. - The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman. - The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the
woman and started swimming. - The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the
woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of
feminism. But at least it’s not snowing and the taxes are low. - The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
setting up a distillery. They don’t remember if sex is in the picture,
cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey,
but at least they know the English aren’t getting any…
Construction Code
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He
sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man
indicates that he can’t hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs.
He points to his eye, meaning, “I”, then at his knee, meaning, “need”, then he
moves his hand back and forth, meaning, “handsaw”.
The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to
masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor
yelling, ”What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was
saying that I needed a handsaw!”
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ”I knew that. I was just trying
to tell you that I was coming.”
Angina
Two residents of an old people’s home are getting it on.
The woman stops and says to the old man, “I think I ought to warn you I have acute angina.”
The old man looks at her and says: “Yeah, and your boobs aren’t bad either!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Cotten picken
where did that cotten picken nigger go? to pick cotten
What did Hannibal the Cannibal do after he…
What did Hannibal the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
– Wiped his ass.
Snow shoveler’s diary. (LONG JOKE)
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. freakin’ snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23:
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.
December 24:
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin’ snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling!
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
…just part of the group
This young mother wanted so much to be a part of her teenage
child’s group.
She worked hard at learning all the styles the teens wore and
all the foods they liked to eat.
She always tried to look young and spiffy and to have an
abundant supply of snacks when the gang dropped by.
She even learned how to talk “young” learning all the buzz words
and hip sayings.
One day this all came to a screeching halt when, after serving
the right snacks, she heard herself say to a room full of
hormone dripping teenagers:
“If anyone wants secs just let me know, I’ll be in the
kitchen…getting it ready.”