- Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations
- A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and
rain.
Author: admin
A sudden change of mind
My Dearest Susan,Sweetie of my heart. I’ve been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won’t you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won’t you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.Yours always and truly,JohnP.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
TONS of Groaners. . .
Q: What’s red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.
Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.
Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
A: Hello, hello.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.
Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.
Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
A: You make me flip my lid.
Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.
Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter “g”.
Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.
Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.
Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.
Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A: He wanted to be a cool cat.
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack and I’ll plaster you.
Q: Why is baseball like a cake?
A: They both need batters.
Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!
Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I’ve got you covered!
Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.
Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don’t work.
3 bits of string
Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said “NO STRINGS ALLOWED.”
Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.
The bartender said “Can’t your read?” and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.
The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.
The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.
Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.
“Say,” asked the bartender suspiciously, “aren’t you the string I just threw out of here?”
‘Fraid not,” replied the string.
Llega un borracho a las
Llega un borracho a las tantas de la noche a su casa, despacio, para no despertar a su mujer. En eso, la mujer despierta y comienza a insultarlo:
“�Desgraciado, mira en la facha que vienes y la hora que es! Y a m� ni siquiera me compras un vestido. �Infeliz!”
Balbuciendo, el temulento le responde:
“�Diez a�os viviendo contigo y no ten�a idea que vend�as ropa!”
Top 10 Signs The President Is Angry
10) Latest radio address to the nation ended with the phrase “You can all bite
me.”
9) Giving people on the White House tour the finger.
8) Punched the side of Al Gore’s head so hard he broke his hand.
7) Threw half-eaten Big Mac from South Portico, beaning a Marine Band
clarinetist.
6) At recent Rose Garden ceremony, has Secret Service rough up some Spelling
Bee champions.
5) Blurted out to Roger, “Isn’t it time you got, like, a job?”
4) When pizza was late, beat delivery boy senseless with a Yoo-Hoo bottle.
3) Feverishly adds names to long list of guys he’s going to slug the minute he
becomes a private citizen.
2) Actually talked back to Hillary.
1) Every five minutes, he’s threatening to bomb Mexico.
Stoner Poems
Stoners live and stoners die,
But in the end we all get high,
So if at first you don’t succeed,
Fuck this world and smoke some weed!
Sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll,
Speed and weed and birth control,
First you live and then you die,
So fuck this world and lets get high!
Suicide Blonde
A blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping off a 31 story building.
There were tons of fire trucks on the ground and policemen on the ledge beside her. The policemen tried to coax her down for 3 hours.
A few minutes later the blonde looked over the edge, then looked over at the closest policemen and asked, ”How do you commit suicide again?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Two Elderly Ladies
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”
“Oh dear! I’m very sorry.” replied her friend “What did you do?”
“Opened a can of peas instead!”
yo momma’s fat
yo momma’s so fat that when she was born she made the Grand Canyon
Stop Hillary Now
New York Republicans formed a ‘Stop Hillary Now’, committee to defeat her.
It brings back memories. ‘Stop Hillary Now’, was originally a Secret Service code meaning the boss’s wife landed thirty minutes early and he doesn’t have his pants on yet.
-Argus Hamilton
I’m Hungry
Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry?
A: Booger King!!!