Q: What’s the latest method Clinton’s using to control his weight?
A: Lie-pole-suction
Author: admin
Top’s down
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Star Trek
What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
HUM: The Village People Meets
HUM: The Village People Meets Star Wars (***)
Y.O.D.A (To the Village People’s “Y.M.C.A”)
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).
YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it’s muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, ’cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There’s no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN’, tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN’, from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He’s 900 years old!
He’s so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you’ll feel!
YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN’ brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN’, master Yoda not far. I’ll be
HAVIN’ this bright thing that ain’t hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I’LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He’s 900 years old!
He’s so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Don’t just stand in the rain!
You’re all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!
OLD BEN, Are you listenin’ to me? I can’t
TRAIN HIM, he’s so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he’s so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU’RE* *A* *JERK*
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You don’t have to save Han!
If you do so, you’ll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade).
Facts About Women
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they’re actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of “need” is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you “just don’t understand”.
4. Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That’s why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when
there’s a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women can’t refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she’s doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an “on/off” switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.
16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
17. Women don’t understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.
18. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.
19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.
21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.
22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, “It’s there in the bible”. hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?
23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. “Oil-stick, oil doesn’t stick?”
24. Women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
25. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will callthe same friend and they will talk for three hours.
28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, to empty the garbage, to answer the phone, to read a book, or to get the mail.
30. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
31. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’
32. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.)
33. The first naked man that woman see is “Ken”.
36. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
37. “Oh, nothing,” has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
38. Lewis Carroll’s Caterpillar had nothing on women.
39. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
40a All women are overweight by definition, don’t argue with them about it.
40b All women are overweight by definition, don’t agree with them about it.
41. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, “What did you do?”
42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
43. Only women understand the reason for “guest towels” and the “good china”.
46. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
47. Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?
He’n & She’n
The preacher stood before the congregation. ”Brothers and Sisters, I
understand that there have been some he’n and she’n going on. I will not
tolerate fornication in my church. All of those who are guilty, leave my
presence.” So some men and women exited the church. ”Brothers and Sisters, I
also understand that there have been some he’n and he’n goin’ on. Those who are
guilty, leave my presence.” So some embarrased men exited the church.
”Brothers and Sisters, I also understand that there have been some she’n and
she’n going on. Those who are guilty, leave my presence.” So some women got up
and exited the church. The preacher looked around and the only one left in the
church was a little boy sittin’ in the front pew. The
preacher walked up to the boy.
”I would like to commend you for being such an upright, loyal Christian.”
”Hold up now preacher. If you had gotten down to some me’n
and some me’n, I’d have to get up and leave too!”
Oh boy!
The blonde says to her friend, “My boyfriend has the worst dandruff.”
Her friend says, “You should give him Head and Shoulders.”
The blonde thinks for a minute and replies, “how do you give shoulders?”
Cards for the Not So
~ You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.~ I know how to push all my wife’s buttons … now if I could only find the one marked OFF!~ I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell until I met you.~ Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?~ As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.~ They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.~ When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.~ I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.~ I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.
Office Dares
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other
non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name
and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye”.
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over
your ears and grimace.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and
whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out,
say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the
doors open.
THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with
double-barrelled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you
get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
nozzle (there must be a “non-player” within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be
nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra
points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch
you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10
times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go
do a number two.”
5. After every sentence, say “mon” in a really bad Jamaican
accent, i.e., “the report’s on your desk, mon.” Keep this up for
one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the
elevator.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead
repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut
up!”
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As God is
my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
9. In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in
tights?”
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You
wanna trade?”
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same
person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I
can’t talk about it.”
13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during
a very important conference call.
14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of
your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it
out.
10 REASONS IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY!
1) You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
2) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
3) You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.
4) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in
15 tries, at least in theory.
5) You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
6) If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
7) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
8) People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
9) ESPN’s Sports Center.
10) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Blonde
3 girls walk into a bar the blonde one trips
In a Yugoslavian hotel:…
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is
the job of the chambermaid.