How do you get 2 oboists to play in unison?
Shoot one.
Author: admin
10 REASONS IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY!
1) Bachelor parties whom butt over bridle showers.
2) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
3) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
4) You needn’t pretend you’re “Freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
5) If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your
other friends you’ve changed.
6) Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
7) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Screw it�.
8) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong buddies.
9) Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
10) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Three nuns die and go
Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St.
Peter, who tells them they led such good lives they will be permitted to
return to earth as anyone they want.
The first nun thinks it over and says
“I’d like to return as Sophia Loren.”
St. Peter says “Fine, you can return as Sophia Loren.”
The second nun thinks and says “I’d like to be Gina Lollabrigida.”
St. Peter says “No problem, you can return as Gina Lollabrigida.”
The third nun says “I think I’d like to be Virginia Pipeline.”
St. Peter says, “Hmmm, I don’t think I know of anyone named Virginia
Pipeline.”
At which point the third nun shows him the headline from the morning
paper: “Virginia Pipeline Laid by 25 Men”
It’s not how good your
It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.
Bill and Ross Perot
What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
They both heard a giant sucking sound!
A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients
Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the
patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and
requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that
your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that
your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness,
which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is
presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms
that you would understand.
Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a
privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians,
health care managers and other humanitarians.
Do not suffer from ailments not covered by your health care plan. It is a
waste of resources to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of
treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one
and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care. This will
only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
Error is often more earnest
Error is often more earnest than truth.
This fellow named Sam has
This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing ’em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont – as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there’s a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
“Name’s Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge…havin’ a party Saturday…thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” Sam says, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Enoch is leaving he stops. “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem…after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them.”
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
“Damn!” Sam thinks, “tough crowd…sounds like the Redwood Run.” “Well,” he says, “I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties too.”
“Now that is not a problem,” says Sam, “remember, I’ve been alone for six months. I’ll definitely be there! By the way…what should I wear to the party?”
Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want…it’s just gonna be the two of us.”
The fight
Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking.
“What are you here for?” asked one inmate of another. “They put me in for
beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich,” snarled one man. “And why are you
here?” asked the second of the first. “For having defended some old Jew named
Khaimovich in a fight,” he replied. “And what were you arrested for?” the third
inmate was asked. “For being Khaimovich,” he sighed.
How many men?
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
None – it should be open when she brings it to you!
One day a Pope and
One day a Pope and a lawyer die. They arrive at the Pearly Gates together and are ushered in. Angel Gabriel accompanies them with much fanfare on his trumpet.
Gabriel leads the two along a huge corridor lined with doors. After a while he stops at one of the doors and opens it. He tells the Pope, ”this is your room, I hope it is satisfactory”. The Pope sees that the room has a bed, chair, desk and a small radio/TV.
Gabriel then leads the lawyer to the end of the hall, and stops at a huge double-doorway. He opens the massive door and the lawyer is stunned to see a kingsize waterbed, a pool table, a massive home entertainment unit and a well stocked wine bar. The lawyer gasped when told that this was his room. ”There must be some mistake!” exclaimed the lawyer. ”Surely a room so grand as this would be reserved for someone like the Pope”.
Angel Gabriel turned to the lawyer and said, ”Oh,no, there is no mistake. We have dozens of Popes. But you are our first lawyer!!”
What Gender Are They?
ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it … and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL – female ! …. Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.