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Blondes on an Island

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There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Una se�ora estaba dormida, y

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Una se�ora estaba dormida, y se mov�a mucho y levantaba la mano, como si estuviera agarrando algo pero no lo alcanzaba, hasta que despierta el marido y ve lo que hace su esposa y le dice:

“Despierta vieja, despierta, qu� te pasa, despierta…”

“�Qu�, qu� pasa?”, dice la esposa…

“No s�, estabas haciendo unas cosas extra�as dormida.”

“Ah, por qu� me despiertas, si estaba so�ando muy bonito, so�aba que estaba en un arbol que ten�a penes colgados y arriba estaba uno muy gradote y lo quer�a alcanzar con la mano pero no lo alcanzaba, por eso hac�a esos movimientos mientras dorm�a.”

“Pero para qu� las andas buscando en los �rboles, si aqu� estoy yo…”

Y se saca la pirinola…

Y dice la esposa:

“�No, como esa hab�a un chingo tiradas ah� abajo!”

Programming Contest: Jesus vs. Satan

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Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better
programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an
agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several
hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning
strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is
restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks
Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it
all when the power went out.”

“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any
better.”

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid
display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the
speakers.

Satan is astonished.

He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’
program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.” ~~~~~~~~~~

Penis names

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After a hot, hard day’s work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied “There’s one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis.”

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said ” I named mine Nike…like you know… just go for it!”

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said ” I got one… Secret.” The bartender said “Why Secret?” Joe said “Well… it’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.”

5 Fun Things For Professors To Do

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1.Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for
attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690” and mention that yesterday was the last
day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream, “MY
PACEMAKER!”
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding
crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream, “YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”

The Top 12 Theories Developed by Carl Sagan While Stoned

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12> The period of rotation of Pulsar JC9270 totally synchs up with the drum solo in “In A Gadda Da Vida,” man!

11> “Twinkies, Twinkies, little stars; seem so close, yet are so far.”

10> The Theory of Munchitivity: At times, peanut butter is more valuable than gold.

9> The sensor casing from a mass spectrometer makes a handy roach clip.

8> “Some day, with all of our advances in science and technology, we’ll be able to land a man on the sun.”

7> The Big Bong Theory

6> If you took a hit while travelling at the speed of light, you’d get one major rush, dude.

5> Betty Crocker brownies > Duncan Hines brownies

4> “Theory of Joint Relativity”: A complex quantum physics equation that proves that the more pot you smoke, the slower your automobile travels with you at the wheel.

3> Floyd rocks!

2> A single “You Are Here” sign will work EVERYwhere.

1> Wow, man! There are, like, a LOT of stars. There must be *hundreds* of ’em. Maybe even *thousands*. No, millions and millions! Wait — I’m onto something here…

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

Heavenly estate

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The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol’ St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) “Hot Dang”, the Pope says to His-self, “If he’s getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!”. They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out “Hey Pete! What’s the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?” Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: “Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We’re putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he’s the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!”

Left-handed Wonder

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Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after particularly
trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother
decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all
night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked…”doesn’t it look like an artist painted this
scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?

Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God
did this with his left hand?”

“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on
God’s right hand!”

Disabled Swimming Contest

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Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.He pick up the head, swims back up to the surface and places it at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:”Three long years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some prick puts a swimming cap on me !!”