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AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass – led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Why do they make glow in the dark condoms? So gay guys can play star wars.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard, ‘Jesus is watching you.’Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.’Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.’Yep,’ the parrot confessed, and then squawked, ‘I’m trying to warn you.’The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, eh? Who are you?”Moses,’ replied the parrot.`Moses?’ The burglar laughed. ‘What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?’The parrot replied, ‘Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

Parte plaza en Madrid el gran torero Manolo con toda su cuadrilla atr�s de �l. Va con su soberbio caminar sosteniendo con el brazo izquierdo su muleta. En ese momento un aire le tumba la montera de la cabeza y para no perder la compostura le tira el agarr�n por la espalda con su mano derecha y sigue su marcha. En eso, oye al muletero decir:

“�Suete, matadooo!”

“�Gracia, muetero!”

Vuelve a escuchar:

“�Suete, matadooo!”

“�Gracia, muetero!”

Por tercera vez escucha:

“�Suete, matadooo!”

“�Pero, po qu� tanta suerte, muetero?”

“No le estoy diciendo: suerte, matador. �Le digo suelte que me trae agarrado de los cojones!”