Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? So he could run his fingers through his hair!
Author: admin
Sister Mary
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
“Father!” she cried, “just WAIT until you hear this!”
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?”
“Well, Father” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”
“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.
“But that’s not what has me so excited, father” replied the nun, “it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!”
“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”
“Well, I hit the CEILING, father.”
“How much did you win?”
In the Emergency Room
A guy shows up at the emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his head.The doctor asks the guy how this came to be…”I was playing at that new course out in the country. Because of the only bad tee shot I’ve made in my life, my ball ended up in the cow pasture. While I was out there looking for it, some fat broad hit her ball into the same place.””So we’re both out there searching, and she’s swearing like she just invented it and beating the hell out of the forage with her club. I find a ball. She claims it’s hers, and we end up continuing to search for the other one while she bitches and I listen. Finally, I know I’ve looked everywhere except where some real cows are standing.””So I pick up the cows’ feet one by one, but there’s no ball under a cow. Now there’s only one other chance. I lift up the biggest cow’s tail, and sure as hell, there’s a golf ball! When I turned to the fat broad, the ball fell out. I pointed under the tail and said ‘Does that look like yours?'”
Edwards’ Time/Effort Law…
- Edwards’ Time/Effort Law
- Effort x Time = Constant
A. Given a large initial time to do something, the initial effort will be
small.
B. As time goes to zero, effort goes to infinity.
Green up
Mrs. McKenzie was showing Corbett, the contractor, through the second floor of
her new house to show him what colors to paint the rooms. “I’d like the bathroom
done in white!”
Corbett walked over to the window and shouted, “Green up! Green up!”
“I want the bedroom in blue!” continued the woman.
The contractor listened and yelled out the window, “Green up! Green up!”
“The halls should be done in beige!” she instructed. Again, the man barked out
the window, “Green up! Green up!”
“Will you stop that?!” shouted the woman. “Every time I give you a color, all
you do is shout ‘Green up!’ What the devil does that mean?”
‘Tm real sorry, ma’am!” explained Corbett. “But I got three Oklahoma
basketball players down there tryin’ to put in the front lawn!”
Clinton one-liner
Election nightBill: “Honey, we won!”Hillary: “Honestly?!”Bill: “Let’s not bring that up…”
Power
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
. . . and then
. . . and then Marie Antoinette says
“operator, I’ve been cut off.”
Penquins on Tour
A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says “fill it up, please”. The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are
occupied by penguins.
“Hey Buddy” says the attendant to the driver, “These birds can’t be happy like this…they’re wild animals, you should take them to a zoo
or something..”
The motorist agrees to do so.
The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels…
“What’s this?” he says to the driver, “I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?”
The driver says “I did…and they had such a great time that today I’m taking them to the beach.”
Nuts in a Vice
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to……to…. cut it off are you?!”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”
Progress is made on alternate
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Never look a gift horse in the mouth
There were three ladies working in supermarket, and one came in bright and bubbly on monday morning, slightly jealous and curios at the same time the other two said what are you so chirpy about?. The other day my husbund bought me a new set of exquisite laungereie.The other two said how did you get him to do that? she replied i asked. Right after work the other two hatched a plan to get their hubbies to do the same. The next day the other two met up outside the door at work “Howd you get on with your request”? The other replied no good, The other ladie said and you, yep darn tooting i did, dissappointed the other lady whom had notten anything thought of a plan to get what she wanted so she invited her husbund to her place of work the next day, he arrived to find her up the ladder stacking shelves with no panties on she called down softly and said george i need some new undergarments be a dear and buy me some, i will see you after work when she got home there was a big parcel waiting with love george. she decided to skite off and not open it until the next day at work. she finally got to work and ran into her two workmates she said look what my husbund bought me she hurriedly opened it and yes to her surprise it was beautiful nickers ect and wrapped in those was a brush and comb set do you think he saw more under that ladder than we know?