Brothel parrot

A woman goes to her local pet shop in search of a pet. There she finds a brightly plumed parrot.

“How much for the bird?” she asks.

“Oh, you don�t want that bird,” replies the storekeeper. “He used to live in a whorehouse, so he�s got a dirty mouth.”

“But he�s so pretty,” she gushes.

“I�ll tell you what. Take him home, try him out. If it doesn�t work, bring him back.”

When it arrives at its new home, the bird looks around and squawks, “New house, new madam.”

The woman is disturbed, but ignores it.

Hours later, her daughters come home from school.

Again the bird looks around and screeches, “New house, new madam, new hookers.”

The woman is bothered, but ignores it, after all, the bird hasn�t actually cursed.

A few hours later, her husband comes home from work.

Again, after looking around, the bird squawks,

“New house, new madam, new hookers.

Hi, George.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Blonde’s new car

A blonde just bought a new $80,000 sports car. She was driving it for the first time when a very large truck driver motions for her to pull over.

A little afraid, she does as shes told. The truck driver draws a white circle with chalk and tells the blonde to get out of her car and stand in the circle and dont move.

She does as shes told, and the truck driver gets out a knife and starts cutting her leather seats.

She starts laughing. The truck driver asks, “Why are you laughing?”

She just kept laughing, so the truck driver starts pouring gas all over her seats.

The blonde starts cracking up, and he asks, “Why are you laughing?”

She just kept laughing,so the truck driver pulled out his knife again and pops all her tires, she starts laughing histarically. He asks, “Why are you laughing?” She answers, ” Well, when you werent looking I stepped out of the circle three times…”

Un tipo va por la

Un tipo va por la calle con la cara triste y se encuentra a un colega.

“Macho, �por qu� est�s as�? �te ha pasado algo?”

“Es que se me ha muerto mi mujer”.

“�Joder, qu� putada! �Y tus hijos?”

“Muertos tambi�n”.

“�Y de que murieron?, pregunta acongojado el amigo.

“De un empacho”.

“�Un empacho de qu�?”

“De setas”.

“Vaya, �y tu suegra, qu� tal?”

“Muerta”.

“Claro… otro empacho de setas �no?”

“�Qu� va… la mat� yo a hostias!”, responde col�rico el afligido.

“�Pero, por qu�?”

“�Porque no quiso comerse las putas setas!”

Paradox of Men

If you can’t go down on them, you’re not a good partner.

If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.

If they pay for dinner, you are using them.

If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.

If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.

If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.

If they want sex, they won’t let you sleep.

If you want sex, they won’t wake up.

If you choose an article of clothing that they don’t like, you don’t care about their taste.

If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.

If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.

If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don’t like their friends.

Potatoes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to rob a bank one day. After doing this the cops were right on their tails. The redhead sees a boat and says to the others ” hey lets hop in this boat and go to that island out there!” The others agree.
When they reach the island they see the cops doing the same and heading for the island. The blonde sees some crates and gets in one. The other do the same. The cops reach the island and go up to the crates. they knock on the first which was were the brunette was “woof woof” says the brunette. just a dog say the cops. they move on. the second contained the redhead when they knock they hear “meow meow”. just a cat say the cops. they move on. the third of coarse contained the blonde. they knock and the blonde shouts POTATOES!!!!!!

A man is in a bar having a drink…

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ”Where do you live?”

Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy’s house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy’s wife comes to the door. The man says, ”Hello, I’ve brought your husband home.”

The wife looks at the man and asks, ”Where’s his wheel chair?”

Janet and Hillary

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of
those girl to girl talks…………
Hillary says to Janet, “You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men
having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill….and there’s no telling where
he last had his pecker.”

Janet responded…”Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that’s
“politically correct” for ugly), doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off
unwelcome sexual advances.”

Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?”

Janet says, “Whenever I feel that a guy’s getting ready to make a pass me, I
muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can.”

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary
headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be
wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for
him…..so, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting
sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and asks, “That you Janet?”

Hallmark Cards you’ll never see

1. So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day…

Look at the bright side, she’s a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping…. I thought it was flat….

when I looked at the tire…. I noticed your cat… Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mends….

here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

4. You’ve announced that you’re gay, won’t that be a laugh,

when they find out you’re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

7. Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be…

But don’t fret about it …. She moved in with me

8. Your computer is dead… it was once so alive

Don’t you regret installing Windows 95?

9. You totaled your car… and can’t remember why…

could it have been… that case of Bud Dry?

God

After espying a beautiful blond walking by a man says to God, “God, why
did you make blondes so beautiful?”

God responded, “So you would love her.”

“But God”, The man replied, “Why did you make her so dumb?”

God replies, “So she would love you.”

Lost in the amazon

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons.

The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?”

The German responds, “I will take oil!”

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.

When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?”

“I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

“What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, “I’ll take the Mexican.”