Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn’t put it down?What’s the formula for water? -H-two-O What’s the formula for an ice cube? -H-two-O-CUBEDQ: What do you get when you combine Al Gore with O2?A: OxymoronThe best chemists would definitely not be pet owners.Their idea of a catalyst:2 bags of cat litter3 cans of cat food1 can of flea powder1 collarQ: How do you get lean molecules?A:Feed them titrations.Q: And why does a white bear melt in water?A: Because it’s polar.Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory?His business went insolvent.Q: What’s the most important thing to learn in chemistry?A: Never lick the spoon.
Author: admin
In the bar.
A guy walks into a bar. He’s a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, “All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?”
Everyone is understandably silent.
He, then, chugs back another beer and says, “All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?”
Everyone is silent, again.
Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.
“You got a problem, buddy?”
No, I’m just on the wrong side of the bar!”
$5 prostitute
Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out: “Fifty dollars!” He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back: “Five!” She is disappointed and turns away and Bill continues his jog.A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she want not come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts and Bill answers her: “Five!” No sale. About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells: “See what you get for five dollars!”
I think that I’m a chicken
Psychiatrist: What’s your problem?Patient: I think I’m a chicken.Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
God creates Woman.
Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs
God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself? Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don’t think I need this center boob.
God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel? Eve: I feel great!
(Looking at her hand…)
Woman: Excuse me God? God: Yes Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?
***POOF*** Man was created.
Cultures Explained
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”. Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”. Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid. Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Q. How can you tell a woman has a huge ass?…
Q. How can you tell a woman has a huge ass?
A. You have to take a mule to get to the bottom of her crack.
BANG
One day a blond is getting back from the stor and as she pulls into the drive way she heres aload BANG!and fells somthing hit her head she reach’s back and feels somthing soft and mushey in alarm she grabs here head thinking that she had been shot and that that was her brain. as somone gos by they notice her yelling for an ambulance so the man runs and calls an ambulance. when the paramedecs pry her hands from her head they find her cluthching a pice of dough!
Mistaken identity
A man walks into a bar. the bartender says to the guy, “what can i get you?”
“make it a whisky�, says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.
“that will be three dollars,” says the bartender.
“screw you!” says the man. “you offered to get me something. i thought you
were paying.”
“get out�, says the bartender. “you’re banned. i don’t need your crap.”
anyway, two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same
bartender.
the bartender looks at him and says, “you’re the a****** who tried to con a
drink out of me, aren’t you?”
“excuse me, but i have no idea what you are talking about,” says the customer.
“i’ve never been to this bar before in my life!”
“sorry. my mistake,” says the bartender. “you must have a double.”
“hey thanks, dude!” says the customer. “make it whisky.”
Rainbow
your momma so fat, when she sat on a rainbow skittles popped out!
Beach’s Law…
- Beach’s Law
- No two identical parts are alike.
Even the pool table has no balls.
Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.