Yours Fun Portal !
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, “Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?”
Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
“Fine”, says God, “Women get multiple orgasms”
Hab�a una vez una ni�a que s�lo ten�a tres pelos. Un d�a cuando se iba para el colegio le dijo a su mama: “Mam�, mam� hazme una clineja.”
La mam� le dice: “No puedo porque se te cay� un pelo.”
Al otro d�a:
“Mam�, mam�, hazme dos mo�itos.”
“No puedo porque se te cay� un pelo.”
Al otro d�a:
“Mam�, mam�, hazme una colita.”
“No puedo porque se te cay� un pelo.”
Y la ni�a contesta:
“�Entonces d�jamelo suelto!”
There were two men going rabbit hunting in the woods one day
when they came to a meadow.
The first hunter (Bob) decided he needed to go for a shit so he
pops behind a bush to do his business.
Meanwhile the other hunter (Harry) sat in front of the bush and
kept watch for rabbits.
After approximately 10 minutes Harry had shot a rabbit , skinned
it and thrown the guts behind him over the bush as a prank on
Bob.
After recieving only grunts from Bob , Harry waited a further 10
minutes for Bob , before he finally appeared saying, “Oh, I shat
my guts out mate!! But no worries , I shoved it back in with a
stick!!”
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why ‘Stripes’ is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don’t panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment”.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. You can be 34 and single, and nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other peoples’ feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut or not.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too scuzzy. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
69. Same work….more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add desirability to your appearance.
71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.
73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million spermatozoa per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. Nobody looks at your chest when you’re talking to them.
79. ESPN’s sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.
82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You don’t need to pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, “f*#k it, just f*#k it!”
88. If another guy shows up at a party wearing the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. You never have to read the instruction manual.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice anything different about me?”
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, “OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish!”
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!! No, think of another wish.”
The man said, “OK, I’ll try to think of a really good wish.”
Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say “nothing,”, know how to make them truly happy.”
The genie said, “Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?”
What’s the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Old Mrs. Wilson loved to hear a fiery sermon. She would sconce her comfortable
bulk in the pew, rock back and forth in time to the minister’s cadences, take a
dip of snuff and cry “A-a-a-men,” at every piece of ministerial denunciation.
When the minister spoke harshly of sex, drinking, smoking, and drug-taking,
she approved heartily, taking snuff at each item and emitting her rolling “A- a-
a-men.”
Finally the minister began, “And now let me talk about another
vicious habit that, fortunately, is going increasingly out of fashion. I refer
to the deplorable practice of snuff-dipping…”
Whereupon Mrs. Wilson sat bolt upright and muttered under her breath,
“Wouldn’t you know? He’s stopped preaching’ and commenced to meddling’!”
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it….Cop : “Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?”Blonde : “Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65.”Cop : “Oh miss, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!”Blonde : “Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on.”At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.Cop : “Excuse me miss, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something awful.”Blonde : “Oh… We just got off of highway 119”.
why did the dog sit in the shade? it didn’t want to be a hotdog
Two cowboys came riding around a bend in the trail and saw an Indian on the ground. His head was tilted with his ear on the ground. When he saw the cowboys he said, “Three men, large wagon, four horses”.One of the cowboys asked in amazement, “You can tell all that just by listening to the ground”? “No”, said the Indian, “They ran over me….”
Yo mama is so ugly that when she ran into a brick wall the wall moved.
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel’s. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody’s surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.”Easy,” says the man.”Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window.” “Wow,” says the man at the bar.”I gotta try this.” He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death. “Geez, Superman,” says the bartender.”You can be a real a jerk when you’re drunk.”