She was so blonde that she got locked in a grocery store and starved to
death.
Author: admin
Ventriliquist and a Redneck
A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to
entertain at a bar in Texas.
He’s going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big
burly guy in the audience stands up and says “I’ve heard just
about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain’t all
stupid here in the South.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big
guy pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the
smart ass little fella on your knee!”
Chicago
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.
“Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”
Bob says, “I’m gettin’ it on with Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Top 10 Ways Mess with Customs
Keep in your possession as you pass thru Customs:
10. A genuine hangman’s noose.
9. Large amounts of Monopoly money.
8. Realistic drawings of Margaret Thatcher, in the nude. (Change
as appropriate, depending on the country you visit).
7. Several pounds of white flour in sachets placed inside your
shoes. (Claim that it is flour, but look very nervous).
6. A thick folder with the title “How to Fool Customs Officers”
in large letters. Make sure all the pages are blank.
5. A book by the title “How to Start a Trotskyst Revolution.”
(For added effect, speak with a thick foreign accent and wear a
three-day growth of beard).
4. Half a dozen, very real-looking, but completely fake, hand
grenades (together with the above book, for additional impact).
3. A large number of used condoms, tied in pink and blue ribbons.
2. A half-eaten pastrami sandwich, wrapped in a Playboy
centerfold.
1. A dozen bottles of vodka, filled with water.
Women with Arms
Why do women have arms?
Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
The egg
Why was the egg embarrased? Because his yolk was hanging out.
I can do without the
I can do without the essentials,
but I must have my luxuries.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
House keeping
One day a husband was a little concerned with the spending of the house keeping money.
He said to is wife, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”
She said “Turn sideways and look in the mirror!”
Submitted by Curtis
Granny and her grandchild…
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
“Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”
Bear & Rabbit
The bear looks at the rabbit and says,”Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”
The rabbits says,”No…”
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
The Restroom
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes overimmediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that heshould bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gentlycaress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.”Are you theowner?” she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually,”No” he replies.”I’m just the manager.” “Can you get him for me? I needto speak to him.” She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.”I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the manager clearly aroused,”he’s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?” “Yes,there is. I need you to give him a message.” She continues huskily,popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck themgently.”Tell him” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap inthe ladies room.”
THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR D
15. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
14. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time
management course you sent me to.”
13. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”
12. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!”
11. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
10. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”
9. “Actually I’m doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I
learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related
stress.”
7. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem.”
6. “The coffee machine is broken….”
5. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
4. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
3. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
2. “I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
“Amen”