“How are your hemorrhoids?”
“Swell.”
Author: admin
Little Johnny in School
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”
“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
A young, ruthless executive died and went…
A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he
saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell.
In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was
no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard,
“What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?”
“They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack,” the
guard replied.
“And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?”
“The same exact thing,” the guard answered.
“Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?”
“Because in Socialist Hell, they’re always out of oil, whips, and
racks!”
My young son asked me
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried
under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told
him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t
want to upset him.
If i…
if i had a dog as ugly as you i would shave its butt and tell it to walk backwards
Yo Mama’s So Fat… Snowshoes
Yo’ mama so fat, she has to wear snowshoes on dry land!
Beer Goggles
Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day’s work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe’s curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, �Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?� The man replied, �There’s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin’ good, I’m headin’ home!�
A consensus means that everyone
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. – Abba Eban
Fud Picker
How much Fud,
could a fud picker pick,
if a fud picker could pick fud?
Fire up the grill
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife “Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill” She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, “Geez, it really is as wide as the grill!”
She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.
The wife calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.”
How to get your husband home
A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.’Take my advice,’ said the neighbor, ‘and do what I did.Once my husband came home at three o’clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out :’Is that you, Jim ?’ And that cured him.”Cured him!’ asked the woman, ‘but how ?’The neighbor said, ‘You see, his name is Bill.’
Un feligr�s va a confesarse:
Un feligr�s va a confesarse:
“Padre, debo confesarle que me gusta decir charadas”.
“�Y qu� son charadas, hijo?”, pregunta el sacerdote.
“Ver�, si usted me pregunta qu� es una charada, yo le digo: en el culo le pongo una puntada”.
“M�s respeto al se�or cura”.
“S�, pero en el culo le pongo una costura”.
Ya enojado, el sacerdote le grita:
“�Queda usted excomulgado!”
“Bien, pero le queda el culo remendado”.