“Mommy, all the kids at school say I’m a werewolf! Is that true?”
“No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face.”
Author: admin
Why we don’t understand the English Language
1. We must polish the Polish furniture.2. He could lead if he would get the lead out.3. The farm was used to produce produce.4. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.5. The soldier decided to desert in the desert.6. This was a good time to present the present. (And this last could mean “gift” or “era of time “)7. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.8. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.9. I did not object to the object.10. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.11. The bandage was wound around the wound.12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.13. They were too close to the door to close it.14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.15. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.19. Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Some Words On Character
“The glory of a nation rests upon the character of her men.”- Herbert Hoover.
“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation
where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of
their character.”- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
“Character doesn’t matter.”- Bill Clinton
That just about says it all, doesn’t it?
Picking a Candidate
Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallys in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd – shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.
Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd – shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.
“That man’s persistence yonder,” observed one of the natives, “sure makes it easy to know who to vote for.”
“Yep,” another native agreed. “Sure can’t see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn’t the good sense to come in out of the rain.”
Un tipo acude al hospital
Un tipo acude al hospital porque ya no aguantaba el dolor de est�mago. Al llegar, le explica al m�dico que desde hace m�s de tres semanas no pod�a cagar y que ten�a el culo tapado. El facultativo le explica que es imposible que tuviera tanto tiempo sin ir al ba�o.
“Desv�stase que lo va a examinar”.
Al desvestirse, al paciente se le asoma un miembro como de un metro de largo. Asombrado, el doctor le pregunta:
“D�game, �cuando usted va al ba�o, d�nde pone el miembro, adentro o afuera de la taza?”
“Bueno, �ltimamente lo pongo adentro porque el piso est� muy fr�o.
“�Eso es, usted no tiene el culo tapado, lo que tiene es el culo asustado!”
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change…
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
So, you want to be a viking
So Mischievous One, you now have your very own Viking. Did you know that care and handling of a Viking is a serious undertaking? Not to mention the large amounts of meat, beer and mead needed, you also have to be an expert on cleaning furs, on them and around them!Beards are comb-able, but usually have food stuck in them, not to mention the odd small bird nest. Hair can be braided, and if the beard is likewise long, a few braids can be done to minimize the number of small furry and feathery critters that move in. This can be a good thing for you to try, but he may resist until you show him that the braids can be woven into spectacular knotwork patterns!Remove clothing before brushing the hair of your Viking. Any resemblance to a bear is coincidental, and leave his father’s heritage and mother’s preferences out of the conversation. Vikings are touchy about their heritage. Being descended from a bear is not a bad thing for Vikings. Now those furs that he is dressed in! Were they tanned properly? Do they have an interesting odor? Are they still alive and kicking? Insure they are quite dead before attempting cleaning. Remove all insect life and dirt using a brush and beat the hung skin with a carpet whacker to loosen the deeply set dust and dirt. Oh, and you should remove the skins from you Viking before beating them. If the skins need washing, remember to use a mild soap and lanolin for the fur along with neatsfoot oil for the skin to prevent drying out. Another thing to consider with your Viking is to convince him to wear cloth under those skins. Cloth is easier to clean and it resists those pests that like to climb into your bed with you! Never give your Viking knitted undergarments, socks or caps as they are a sign that your affection is wavering! Unless of course you are sending a signal, then you may accompany this signal with a 2×4 of appropriate length. Use the 2×4 with the trademark side away from your Viking’s head to reduce the chance of breakage, and take a full swing to get your Viking’s full attention. Removal of the helm is optional, but recommended, as you may damage the helm. The cloth you use on your Viking should be a heavy cotton such as Trigger or tent canvas. Anything less is a waste of time and money as Vikings are notoriously hard on cloth. If you Viking is camping, keep a fire extinguisher ready, especially if your Viking smokes. They never learn to pull a branch from the fire to light their tobacco and are always catching their beards on fire (another reason to braid that beard and hair). Making love with a Viking is a major event for a Lady, well worth the effort! First, remove all weaponry from him. A good compromise is to leave the axe beside the bed and the knives on the nightstand. Never allow him to ‘Just keep one!’, as it will invariably end up in your derriere at the most inopportune moment when he is not worried about why you are screaming! Be firm here. Speaking of firm, warm is good. So when you strip him of all of those furs, they make dandy floor coverings in front of the fire place or on the bed to keep warm. Never overlook an opportunity like that! Oh, and you should try to keep you Viking from drinking too much before bed time. This is probably going to be difficult, but I will leave the methods for this to your fertile and mischievous imagination!So have fun with your Viking, and remember to make sure he learns to swim, keeps his boat clean, and polishes his weapons carefully!
Ain’t That The Truth….
We spend the first six years teaching our children to walk and talk, and
the next fifteen years telling them to shut up and sit down.
The key to failure is trying to please everybody.
If you want people to remember you, owe them money.
If at first you don’t succeed…skydiving is probably not for you.
From the Grave
There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, “I’m sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.”
After this, the old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.
At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor comes up to her and says, “Aren’t you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?”
The old lady calmly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around!
The Problem with Teenagers
The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square.
The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.
Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, “I suppose you’re the kids’ lawyer.”
“Nope,” the chap replied. “I’m just here to deliver them a pizza.”
IMPORTANT NEWS
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his
parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking
dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I
have something to tell you: I’m gay.”
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat
it to make sure she’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was
stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay — doesn’t that mean you put other men’s
penises in your mouth?”
The guy said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.”
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around,
whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, “Don’t you EVER complain
about my cooking again!!”
One for the Mrs!
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it…our lives depend on it!”
“Dear, the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, ‘I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!!!!!!!