French Zoo

The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Pierre, it was rumoured, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for three hundred Euros? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition.

“Well,” said Pierre, “you’ve got to give me another week to come up with the three hundred Euros.”

Swearing like Dad

Two brothers, aged 7 and 4, were in their room getting dressed before breakfast.

“I say it’s time started swearing like Dad” said the 7 year old. “So, when we go down to breakfast, I’ll use the word ‘damn’ and you use the word ‘ass’.”

“OK” said the 4 year old.

When the boys get to the kitchen they hop up on to their chairs at the table.

“What do you want for breakfast, boys ?” asked their Mother.

“Let me have some damn Cheerios” said the 7 year old.

One second later the Mother took her wooden spoon and laid it across his behind with a loud “Crack!” Screaming at the top of his lungs the 7 year old ran upstairs.

“And what will YOU have for breakfast?” said the Mother turning to the 4 year old.

“Well, I’m not sure”, he said, “But you can bet your ass it isn’t going to be Cheerios.”

Football and the girlfriend

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, ‘Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year.’His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, ‘That’s the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, . . . I accept!’

Small World

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through (which is proper golf etiquette).

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small world.”

An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfing

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they? George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

Una muchacha se va a

Una muchacha se va a confesar con el cura y le comienza a decir: “padre he venido a confesarme porque tengo muchos pecados”.

El cura, que tiene problemas con el alcohol y estaba bebiendo en ese momento le dice: “no te preocupes hija, y empieza que yo te escucho”.

La joven le dice: “padre, anoche me acost� con Mario el novio de mi hermana. El jueves me acost� con Rub�n, el vecino de enfrente”.

“Contin�a hija”.

“Padre, aqu� huele a ron”.

El padre le dice: “no hagas caso de eso y contin�a”. Ella sigue: “padre, el s�bado pasado le chupe el pito a la mitad del equipo de f�tbol del colegio; me acost� con mis tres profesores de historia y… pero padre, �aqu� huele a ron!”

El cura disgustado le replica: “mira hija, aqu� hace rato que me huele a puta y yo no he dicho nada”.

Be Proud of Me Prayer!

Dear Heavenly Father,

I think you’d be proud of me! So far today I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I’m grateful for Your grace…

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I’m getting out of bed… From then on I’m going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

New Gorilla in Bar

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, “I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.”

The bartender looks at him like he’s nuts and says, ” I sorry but I don’t serve Gorillas in this bar.”

The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.

They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, “Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.