i have no dick so my girlfriend carnt have a baby so i when to the doctors and he gave me a sexie elecric one and i had sex and it made my girlfriend boobs light up so she married me!
Author: admin
Stockmarket
You might be a redneck if…
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Changed HR policies
Casual Fridays:
Week 1 – Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees
are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 – Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual
Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 – Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s
wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 – Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the
cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 – Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has
been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 – Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled
“Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards.” A copy has been distributed
to every employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult
the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work
each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of
clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 – Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for
psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to
Casual Day.
Week 20 – Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively
support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective
immediately.
Whats the difference…
Q: whats the difference between a fag and a fridge?
A: when you pull the meat out of the fridge it dont fart!!
Blondes on tour
three blondes stranded on a island. they find a lamp and rub it, a genii comes out he says you can have one wish each 1st blonde says i want to be 25% smarter so she gets a log turns it into a canoe and sails to shore 2nd blonde says i want to be 50% smarter so she gets a log turns it into a ship and sails to shore 3rd blonde says i want to be 100% smarter so she turns into a man and walks over the bridge.
Candles
Why are some married men like candles?
Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.
Wedding or funeral
Q: What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.
Hospital visit
A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the “upturn”.
“I think you mean the ‘intern,’ don’t you?” asked the nurse on duty.
“Yes,” said the girl. “I want to have a ‘contamination.'”
“You mean ‘examination,'” the nurse corrected her.
“Well I want to go to the ‘fraternity ward’, anyway.”
“I’m sure you mean the maternity ward.”
To which the girl replied, “Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity….what’s the difference? All I know is I haven’t demonstrated in two months and I think I’m stagnant.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Oral sex, Redneck st
Q. How do Rednecks engage in oral sex?A. They go to opposite ends of the trailer, and shout “**** you” at each other.
Caring for floppy disks
ORIGAMIArt of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can’t even get it out of the drive?SMOKEUse cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.PIRANHASIf you don’t have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of “caring” for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.MAGNETSThey are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can’t find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.MAILPut a disk in an envelope and don’t write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that’s all.MAGIC TOUCHTouch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.DON’T USE ANY ENVELOPEArchive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.DON’T MAKE BACKUPSOf course, if you don’t have any security copy, you won’t have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.SUPREME STUPIDITYIt is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you’ll find new methods to add to this list.
K-mart Stands for…
Q: What does K-mart stand for?
A: Kuz Mexicans Are Rich Too.
How Come?
What’s with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking — “Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I’d better carpet the toilet too.”
What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?