Author: admin

And a Pig?

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A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the corect sound. “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said “Moooo!”

“Very good” replied the teacher,”what sound do sheep make?”

“Maaaa” answered Johnny.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked “What sound does a pig make?”

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose the shy little boy at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed “Up against the wall mutha-fucka!!”

Automobile Accident

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There was a horrible automobile crash and the driver of the car lay on the
side of the road dying. A passerby said to him kindly, “Why don’t you say a
prayer?”

“I don’t know any,” said the stricken man.

“Haven’t you had any contact with religion?”

“As a boy we used to live next to a Catholic Church!”

“That’s it!” said the well-wisher. “Just repeat what you heard in the
church!”

“Okay,” said the injured man. “B-10, I-25!” “BINGO!”

Dead President

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“Did you hear what happened?” Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

“Hear what” I asked, my curiosity peaked.

“The regional vice president died this morning!”

“What?!” I asked, totally stunned. “What happened?”

“He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack” Jim began explaining. “Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one.”

“Boy do I. She’s that young blonde babe.” “Yeah that’s the one. Turns out she isn’t too smart, though.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“He kept yelling at her to ‘call 9 1 1’. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number.”

Doctor, Doctor!

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“Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!”
“What’s come over you?”
“2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.”

“Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pack of cards!”
“I’ll deal with you later.”

“Doctor Doctor – I feel like a needle!”
“I see your point.”

“Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pair of curtains!”
“Pull yourself togerther man!”

“Doctor Doctor – I have 59 seconds to live!”
“Wait a minute will ya!

Pool Party

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Once there was a rich dude who owned a huge mansion, lots of
cars, was an alcoholic, and smoked crack. He even had a huge
pool which he filled with hundreds of alligators.

One day he was having a pool party and everyone got drunk and
high. After a while the rich guy stood up on a table and made a
speech. He said, “Anyone who swims across my pool will get my
house. No one jumped in. Then he said, “Anyone who swims across
my pool gets my house and my cars. No one jumped. “Anyone who
swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, alcohol, and my
cars.” No one jumped in. “Anyone who swims across my pool gets
my house, my cars, my alcohol, and my crack. He heard a splash
and looked up.

He saw a guy jump into the pool. Alligators were on him in a
second, but this guy did tarzan moves, wrestled alligators, etc.
Finally, he climbed out on the other side. The rich dude walked
around and said, “That was amazing. I never thought anyone would
do that! When do you want my house?” The guy said “I don’t want
your house.” “When do you want my cars?” “I don’t want your
cars.” ” When do you want my alcohol? “I don’t want your
alcohol.” When do you want my crack?” “I don’t want you crack.”
“Well, what do you want?” “I want the freaking bastard who
pushed me in!”

A Sunday Mouring Going Down

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I�m am writing this little story in the day of the lives of Laura and Randy. It all started on a Sunday mourning, bright and early, with boredom. We decided to spend a fun filled day with all the luxuries of our lives. We decided to start the day with a ride on his Harley, witch we both enjoy the freedom of the road. We road for a couple of hours and a took a well needed rest, so then we decided to take a cruise on my boat, which we also enjoy, because of all the quiet and alone time, with no one else around, not even a phone. We cruised for around a hour or so and decided it was time to get something to eat, so we returned home and jumped in the explorer and headed down the road to get something to eat. Well we hit the road and came across a Rite Aide, and I decided to ask him to pull in and get me some Captain Morgans, and he did just that. As he left the liquor store he put my alcohol in the back of the explore, now my day seemed to be complete. So with all he did with me and for me, I took it upon myself to make his day complete too. So I began to play with all his emotions, an got quite carried away. The next thing I knew I heard a knock on the window and as I raised my head, I saw a Cop standing at the window, boy I couldn�t believe what was happening. As Randy�s eyes rolled back in his head, I didn�t know if he had seen the cop or was just enjoying the moment? Next thing I heard was the cop ask me to step out of the car, and as quick as I could pull myself back together I did what he asked. The next thing I new I was under arrest for pubic drinking. Holy Crape I thought to myself. The officer explained this was better the being arrested for soliciting. At this time I wasn�t for sure what was any better than the other, but I calmly held my composure. Than the cop looked in the back seat of the explorer and saw the bottle of liquor, and without thinking Randy responded you can buy liquor on Sunday. O�boy the cop asked Randy to step out of the car, as he placed the handcuffs on me. He informed Randy, he also was under arrest for trying to sell his girlfriend to an officer. I believe the cop misunderstood Randy�s response, and thought he offered let him lick-her on Sunday so the officer placed handcuffs on Randy, and charged him with pandering. Shit o Shit what did we get ourselves into on such a beautiful Sunday afternoon? He then placed both of us in the back of the police car. Without thinking I said this really SUCKS. Then you won�t believe what happened next. The cop charged me with attempted bribery, or in other words sucking up to an officer. I knew we both were done for at this time, but it doesn�t end there, I again without thinking responded boy did I stick a foot in my mouth. The officer at this time lowered his cheap sunglasses, and in amazement he laughed this crazy insane laugh I�ll never forget, believe that. He said to the both of us, I�m going to have to let you off on all charges, there was no way in hell he wanted to finish his police report ending with my statement, that I stuck 12 inches (a foot) in my mouth. So with a sigh of relief we got back in the explorer and went on our way. Let this story be a warning to anyone considering pubic drinking, don�t try it unless you can swallow 12 inches. And if you can swallow that you probably swallowed this story too.

Lipstick at School

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According to a news report, a certain private school in
Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A
number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick
and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the
next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the
principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints
were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to
clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls
how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled
squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror
with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators…

Defending a Beastial

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A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.”I know a great trial lawyer,” the fellow said, “but he’s expensive and doesn’t know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer,” he continued, “who’s not a great trial lawyer, but he’s cheap and really knows how to pick a jury.”The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbour, began his testimony.”I saw Jed mount his goat from behind,” he said, “and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed’s pecker.”The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, “You know, a good goat will do that.”