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Estaban dos borrachos en la cantina, hasta las chanclas y sin dinero. Y uno le dice al otro:
“Ya v�monos”.
“�Y ad�nde vamos a ir?”
“Pues a m� se me antoja hacer el amor, �c�mo ves?”
“Pues s�, pero no tenemos dinero para gastar”.
“No importa. �Nada m�s no nos cobramos!”
Q: How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None – it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr.
Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the
corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and
whispered, “Hey Sweetart, how’d you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a
Million Dollar Bar?”
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and,
Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn’t help but grab her
delicious Mounds ’cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had
the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a
Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she
started to scream, “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”
Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew
it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave
her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into m&m, but I
said, “Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff.” I then said, “Look you little
Reece Piece, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you just take
my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O’ Honey?” (What a piece of
Juicyfruit she was, too). She screamed, “Oh, Crackerjack, you’re
better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky
Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was givin’ it too her Good ‘n’ Plenty, when all of
a sudden…my Starburst.
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit
Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine
months later, out popped……..a Baby Ruth.
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.”We’ve been trying for months now, doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.”I’m sure we�ll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her.”If you’ll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.””Well, all right, doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”
A man goes into a cab and asks to go the Empire State building.
The trip is fine, until the cab approaches a red light and zooms
right through it.
“What the hell are you doing?” asks the man. “You just ran
through a red light. You could’ve gotten me killed!”
The cab driver turns to his passenger and says, “I’m sorry. I
learned to drive a cab from my cousin, and he always taught me
to run through the reds. He always does and it’s a habit of
mine.”
The cab continues on his way, the passenger obviously annoyed.
All of a sudden, the cab grinds to a halt at a green light.
“What the hell are you doing now? Green means go!” the man yells.
The cab driver turns to his passenger once again and says, “I’ve
got to watch for my cousin coming from the other way!”
Three guys went on spring vacation and booked three rooms at a
hotel. When they got to the hotel the clerk said there were no
reservations in the computer for them but they had an opening in
a suite they had. So they said okay.Then the clerk gave them the
key, said it was on the 30th floor and the elevator was broken
so they would have to use the stairs. They said okay and made a
deal the first guy would tell funny stories the 1st ten flights.
The second guy would tell scary stories the 2nd ten flights, and
the third would tell sad stories the last ten flights. So the
fisrt guy told stories and they walked slow. Then the second guy
told stories and they sped up when they got scared. Last the 3rd
guy told sad stories and at the last stair he said, “Want to
here the saddest story in the world” and the other guys said
okay tell us. He said, “I left the key in the lobby.”
There was a alien and a Man at a Bar
The Alien Kept touching the Man and saying zap. The man said stop
The Alien did it again and the man said seriously stop.
The Alien then did it again and the man said if you do it again
I will cut of your dick.
The Alien does it again and the man pulls down his pants, but
there is nothing there and the man said how do you have sex.
The Alien looks at him and says Zap.
Historians do it repeatedly.
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old
lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?” �
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.” �
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
�The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.” �
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the
beach?”
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that he would like a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis. Disgusted, the tattoo artist replies,”I do NOT tattoo ANYTHING on ANYONES penis.” The man repeats, “Please, I really, really, want a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis.” The tattoo artist again tells the man that he will not tattoo a hundred dollar bill on his penis. After a while of begging and pleading for a hundred dollar bill to be tattooed on his penis, the tattoo artist finally says, “Alright, give me three good reasons why you want a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your penis?” To which the man replied, “Well, I like to play with my money, and, I like to watch my money grow, and……….my wife can blow a hundred bucks in 30 seconds”
A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a
fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he
ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as
well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PRIEST’S ASS SHOWS.
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest
not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the
donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer
for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2,1999: ”Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hund! reds of smaller safes scattered throughout
the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank’s audiotape system, one robber said, ”At least we’ll have a bit to eat.”
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
“IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING “