Author: admin

State Penitentiary

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Jack, who does not have a criminal record, has just been
convicted of a minor crime. In his court trial, he is sentenced
to 2 years in prison. Since he and his wife cannot afford the
bail price, he has 2 days before he will be taken to the prison.

On his last day he and his wife decide to take a tour of the
prison so he can see what the conditions are like before he is
taken there. Jack is a good looking guy, and while he walks by
the cells all the tatooed inmates stare at him, taunt him, and
sexually harass him because, of course, they cannot get sex
anywhere else.

So he leaves the prison at once. In the car ride home, he says
to his wife, “We have to stop at the tatoo parlor.” “Why, do you
want to get a tatoo so you will fit in?” she asked. “No, I want
to see if they can take one of those needles and sew my asshole
shut!”

Gee, that guy looks so familiar

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Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling to Hillary’s high school reunion in
Chicago when they had to stop for gas. They pulled up to the full-service pump
and waited as the gas station attendant came out to fill up the limo. As he was
pumping the gas, Hillary said to Bill, “Gee, that guy looks so familiar!” A few
minutes later, it hit her. “Bill!” she said, “I do know that guy! We used to
date in high school!”

Bill turned to Hillary and said, “Well, aren’t you glad you ended up with
me?”

“Why?” asked Hillary.

“Because I’m the President of the United States and he’s pumping gas!”

“Well,” said Hillary, “If I had married him, he’d be President!”

Un tipo llega borracho y

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Un tipo llega borracho y de madrugada a su casa. Como no tra�a las llaves consigo, se dirige al patio de su casa y ve que su perro lleva un periquito muerto en el hocico.

“�Dios m�o, si es el loro de la vecina!”, exclama el sujeto.

El hombre se inquieta y, apenado, pone al ave en la jaula de la vecina y se va a dormir. Al d�a siguiente, cuando se despierta, ve que su esposa est� llorando y pregunta la causa; la mujer le informa:

“Es que se muri� la vecina”.

“Pero, �c�mo es posible?, si ayer la vi en perfectas condiciones.

“Es que le dio un infarto, porque ayer enterr� al loro que se le muri�, y �ste apareci� en su jaula esta ma�ana”.

Careful Now

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Then there’s the woman who goes to the dentist.

As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, “Madam, I believe you’ve got a hold of my privates.”

The woman replies, “Yes…And we’re going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren’t we…”

kid at school

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kid at school

ok theres this kid and his teacher asks him whats 1+1? he says i
dont know? his teacher tells him to go home so he asks his mom
“mom whats 1+1?” she says “shut-up iam on the phone” he wrights
it down on a peace of paper. he goes up to his sister and her
asks what 1+1? she says ” goody goody gum drops” so he wrights
it down. he goes up to his brother and he says whats 1+1? he
says ” dunanuna dunanuna batman batman” so he wrights it done he
asks hes dad whats 1+1? he says iam popia the salar man i live
in a garbich can. so he goes back to school all happy. his
teacher asks him now do u now what 1+1 is? he says “shut-up iam
on the phone she says go to the ofese right now!he goes goody
goody gum drops! so he was at the ofece and the princabel asks
him why is he to go in his ofec so he does he tells him all the
things he said and the pirncabel who do u think u r? he says
dunanuna batman batman. then he says were do u think u live? he
says iam popia the salar man i live in a garbich can!!!

The Lord Will Provide

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One day in a small town during really stormy weather, the town
begins to flood. Everyone rushes to lifeboats and begins to
flee. But in a church a prriest sits on the alter and does not
move. A man runs up to him.

Man- “Father, come quickly, we have a lifeboat ready for you”.

Priest- No, there is no need for me to flee for the lord will
provide and he will save me”.

Man- “Suit yourself”

A few hours later the water has risen up to the alter where the
priest is standing. A lifeboat zooms through the door with a few
men in it. One man calls to the priest.

Man- “Father come quickly”

Priest- “No, for the lord will provide and he will save me.

So the lifeboat zooms off. A few hours later the water has risen
up to the crucifix on which the priest is hanging on. A lifeboat
zooms in.

Man- Father, the town is flooding, you must come with us to
safety.

Priest- No, the lord will provide. He will save me.

A few hours later the water rose up to the roof and the priest
drowned. Later in heaven the priest met god and said:

Man- “Lord, why didn’t you save me? I had so much faith>

God- What are you talking about!!!!!! I sent 3 bloody lifeboats
to rescue you?

What’s the problem?

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A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis