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George Carlin Speaks Out…

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel
governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack
addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.

I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.
I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two
parents.
I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson
preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the
problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for
both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than
working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put
your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be
enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave
the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don’t use the excuse “it’s for the children” as a shield for unpopular
opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman.
I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I
am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the
desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been
persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running
from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are
breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you
deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the
next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should
be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never
delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t
pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

A son asks his father, “What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.”

The father thought some and said, “OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

Let’s say that I’m a capitalist because I’m the breadwinner.
Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?”

The little boy said, “Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said.”

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.”

“Excellent, my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned?”

The little boy thought for a minute and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of crap.”