What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula?
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Author: admin
Four Finger Grip
Joe and Moe were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak. While standing at the urinal Joe confessed, “I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his.”Moe looked over and pointed out, “But you’re holding yours with four fingers.””I know,” said Joe with a sigh, “but I’m peeing on three of them.”
What do you get if…
Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.
Pearly Gates
A man dies and goes to heaven. As he’s standing in line, the pearly gates slam open and a man charges out. He’s dressed in a scrub suit and a white lab-coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He knocks over most of the people standing in line in his rush to move through the crowd. The man asked St. Peter, “Who was that?”St. Peter answered “That’s just God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor.”
No Great Loss
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a “tragedy.” One little boy stands up and offers that, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” Clinton says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside…that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains Clinton. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
“What?” asks Clinton, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: “If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy.”
“Wonderful!” Clinton beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!”
Knock Knock 90
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hugh!
Hugh who?
Hugh made me love you!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hugo!
Hugo who!
Hugo your way and I’ll go mine!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hutch!
Hutch who!
Bless you, and I’m right out of tissues!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hyman!
Hyman who!
Hyman in the mood for dancin’…!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream of Jeannie!
Dos ni�os se sentaron a
Dos ni�os se sentaron a la mesa para la cena, cuando uno le pregunta al otro:
“Oye, �tu rezas antes de comer?”
A lo que el otro responde:
“No, mi mam� s� cocina bien…”
Moron joke
Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first moron said “These look like deer tracks,”
and the other moron said, “No, they look like moose tracks.”
They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Long face
John Kerry walked in a bar. A guy asked Why a long face? John Kerry said ” I just lost an erection”.
You know you’re Middle Aged if…
You�ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car�in the �ten items or less� lane.
You�ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
You�ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
You remember your kid�s names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
You buy �age-defying� makeup and �antiwrinkle� creams and believe they work.
You�ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
You�ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic��for the last time in a generation�
You�d pay good money to be strip-searched.
Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag�in less than five minutes.
You know what Earth Shoes are.
You think if you hear �Stairway to Heaven� one more time your head will explode.
Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
On Saturday night, when your wife mentions �hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,� you tell her you�ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.
Missing car
A guy gets a phone call late at night.
A voice on the other end asks: “Hey man, do you need a car?”
Guy: “No.”
Next morning he goes outside and his car is gone.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Crack with a rock
Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner.
They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.
They ask the waiter who replies “Oh Sister, those are nuts.”
She answers “Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?”
“No. The kind you rock on a crack.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis