Q: How did the blond burn her ear?A: The phone rang while she was ironing.
Author: admin
Stapled
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast
around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and
was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still
with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the
window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk
work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them.
This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk,
the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly.
He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised
its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the
wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and
stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
When Mathematicians
“Psst, c’mere,” said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed. “What are you selling?” I asked. “Geometrical algebra drugs.” “Huh!?” “Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers…” “Stop right there,” I interrupted.”I’ve never heard of inside- outers.” “Oh, man, you’ll love ’em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin’ Escher on a particularly weird day.” “Go on…” “OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones,” he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills. “What are those, then?” I asked. “Givens transformers. They’ll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed.” “Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?” “There’s a whole variety of them. Here’s one you’ll love — they call it ‘One Over Z’ on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you’ll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity.”
Noticing a blonde
Q: What do you do when you notice a blonde on the street?Ans: Nothing. Do they exist?
The pencil and the eraser.
What did the pencil say to the eraser?
Nothing, pencils can’t talk!
Pop corn
What is the difference between movie theatre refreshments and movies at a police stag party?
One is pop corn, the other is cop porn.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Toothpick
What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her bum?
Olive.
Help for Internet Addiction
Hello.
Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.
We’re a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never “cured,” you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you’ll receive a reply one day from a company you’ll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you’d usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE’SSAKE.
We’re here, we’re free, and we’re confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.
Huggies
The company “Huggies” has won a tender to supply American soldiers with
nappies in case of resistance of Iraq soldiers.
No Punishment
Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good, cuz I didn’t do my homework!
Boarding the bus
One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can’t step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, “Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don’t even know you!” Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, “Well, ma’am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends.”
Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
“We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,” said Gates. “The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.”
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company’s new on-line service, “we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time” and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. “You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.”
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter’s Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, “Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,” the crowd roared, but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican’s prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors’ access to these key intellectual properties.
“The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,” said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. “You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.”
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. “The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience,” notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church’s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it.
Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church’s mission is to reach “the four corners of the earth,” echoing MICROSOFT’s vision of “a computer on every desktop and in every home”.
Gates described MICROSOFT’s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — “One religion, a couple of different implementations,” said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.