Author: admin

In the beginning was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, “this is crock of s***, and it
stinks.”

And the workers went unto their supervisors and said, “it is a pail of dung,
and we can’t live with the smell.”

And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying, “it is a container of
excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the managers went unto their directors, saying, “it is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “it contains
that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the directors went to the vice presidents, saying unto them, “it promotes
growth, and it is very powerful..”

And the vice presidents went to the president, saying unto him, “this new plan
will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful
effects.”

And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.

And the plan became policy.

And that, my friends, is how s*** happens.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

I like to make jokes about ugly people. I figure who’s gonna complain?

-Gallagher