An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position
as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions,
ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a
series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and
announcing, “Four.”
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before
answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a
great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of
Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.”
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end
of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in
the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the
telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”
Author: admin
A Brief History Of M
A short history of medicine:I have an earache. 2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Answering machine message
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on,
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave
a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to
you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering machine message when you call me…
Simple Chinese
Dung On MAI Shu————I stepped in excrement
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu———Let’s sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne————–I bumped into the coffee table
Fat Ho———————An unattractive woman
Ar U Wun Tu—————–A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat—————-You need a face lift
Chow Mai Dong————-Romantic proposition
Dum Gai———————A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai—————-Is that a banana in your pocket?
Won Hung Low————-Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai
Gun Pao Der—————–An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung—————Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding————–We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun—————A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia———————Approach me
Lao Ze Sho——————Gilligan’s Island
Lao Zi———————-Not very good
Lin Ching——————-An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding————-A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn———————-A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai——————–A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be————A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne————–A small horse
Ten Ding Ba—————-Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung————-A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan————–Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah—————Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim——————Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting———-There is no reason to raise your voice
Adult Resignation
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.
I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So….here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause, “Tag! You’re It!”
I just want a Drink…
A Chinese man walks into a bar and on seeing the bar man is black shouts “Gimme a jigger Nigger”.
The black man tells him how that wasn’t a nice thing to say, and how would he like the same treatment. The Chinese man explains he wouldn’t give a shit, so the black man says okay, you get behind the bar, and we’ll try it again.
So the Chinese man gets behind the bar and the black guy goes outside. After a few seconds the black man comes in and says, “Gimme a drink Chink”.
The Chinese man stares at him and says “Fuck off, we don’t serve niggers”.
Stupid Hunters
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods when one of them falls to the
ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his
head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a
calm soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure
your friend is really dead.” There is a brief silence, then a shot is heard. The
guy’s voice comes back on the line. “Ok, Now What?”
New Factory
The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who’s president earned his MBA from UCLA, ” How much will your company charge for this project?” “2 million,” said Bruin. “1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.”
Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered, “3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits.”
Finally, the president asks the last company , Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered, ” 4 million.”
“FOUR MILLION,” yelled the president of ABC. “How do you breakdown the cost?”
Trojan replied, “1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!
Hospital test
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.The security guard asked: “What’s going on?”To which the drunk replied: “I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”
Why do men like smart women?
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Turbin
Why do pakis wear turbins?
So whites dont scuff there shoes whilst kicking there head in.
ATM Withdrawls
HIM: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt 5. Leave HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because she’s too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit “cancel” 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 12a. Hit “cancel” 12b. Call husband to get correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in gear, reverse 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake