An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.”Is there something in particular I can show you?” he asked.”Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.””You mean a sectional sofa,” he suggested.”Sectional schmectional,” she said shrugging.”All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”
Author: admin
Blonde visits shrink
A very well-built young blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was. “I tried to be an actress and failed,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.”
The shrink thought for a moment and said… “Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don’t you try nursing?”
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says… “Well go ahead, I’ll give it a try!”
Break Into the House
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the
house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for
years!”
GIRLFRIEND
Sent by a friend: I’m currently running the latest version of
GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately.I’ve been running the same
version of DrinkingBuddies1.0 forever as my primary application, and
all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it. I
hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background
mode and its sound is turned off. However, for the life of me I can’tfind
the switch that turns the sound off. So, I just run them separately, and they
work just fine.
GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I
thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with
GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend
2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was
right. As soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly
after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.All the bugs were supposed to
be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway.
I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while. I very
cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and
also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I
discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running
GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has
a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any
other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which
results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is
too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, I’ve never liked how the GirlFriend Series is totally
object-oriented. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of
GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident
version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a
year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had
to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has
taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary
reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with
FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 often
prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, even with new Plug-Ins. On top of that, Wife
1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, although he did not
ask for it. This has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t control, and it’s
impossible to modulate its sound. I suggested that he consider installing
Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first
uninstalling any of the Wife series, Wife will delete all MSMoney files and
crash the system before uninstalling itself. With a purged cache, Mistress
1.0 will never install. The moral of this story is: Know your system’s
hardware requirements, software peculiarities and limited range of
compatibilities and do be careful with those alluring upgrades.
Cemetry
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter
Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter…
The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith’s breasts make when she walks.
BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.
Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.
Finally, a chance to say, “Yeah, but it’s a dry cold.”
Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.
You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.
Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities.
No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks.
Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone else’s toasty-warm glove-clad hands.
Flashers stick to describing themselves.
Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for elicit affairs.
When it’s 10 below, nobody gives a rat’s ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape.
With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.
The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!
and the Number 1 Good Thing About a Cold Winter…
Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!
A Mexican, Polack, black, Italian, a priest, a rab
A Mexican, Polack, black, Italian, a priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a
bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
“Marlboro Miles”
You might be a redneck if: You save Marlboro Miles to buy your kids school clothes.
Frequently, I get a strip
Frequently, I get a strip of coupons or other
promotional items from a little printer at the
checkout of my local grocery.
Coupons emerge as a thank-you for purchasing a
product, or based on some other derived data.
Yesterday, after buying a couple pints of Ben &
Jerry’s Ice Cream (my favorite bad-for-me snack
food), I got the following checkout coupons in
sequence:
Save 55c on Two(2) Pints Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream
Free High Cholesterol Survival Guide
fight
After a big fight broke out in a pub, the police were called in, as staffwere cleared away the debris, they spotted old Ron, a regular customer, lying uncocious in a corner. As he came round, one of the policemen asked him:”Did you get in fracus.”Ron replied: “No, in the nose.”
Last Marshmellow
A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off. He thinks, “This is probably not a good thing,” so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor. He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he’s called in.
The doctor greets him and asks, “What’s the problem?”
“Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is.” And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.
The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, “What are you talking about? This is a marshmellow!”
“Well, that can’t be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in here!”
Three sisters
Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together.
One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs “was I getting into or out of the bath?”
The 74-year-old yelled back “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”
She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, “was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”