An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were
all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they
arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred
and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what
happened. �Well,� said the American, �I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the
gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to
die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course
I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was
back here.”
“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other
two?”
“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price
and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.”
Author: admin
Yo mama’s So Fat
Yo’ mama so fat, she falls out of bed on both sides!
Beneficial Alzheimers
What’s the best thing about having Alzheimer’s Disease?
1: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2: You are always meeting new people.
3: You never have to watch reruns on television.
Well Done!
A man’s house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.
He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.
Then he goes back in “3 more times” without bringing out anybody or anything.
So a bystander is curious and asks him, “Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?”
The man replies, “I’m turning over my mother in law.”
If you throw a kitten
If you throw a kitten out the window does it become Kitty Litter?
VIRUS WARNING lol
> > > >> WARNING, WARNING WARNING!! > > > >> > > > >> If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes,” delete it immediately. > > Do > > > not > > > >> open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only > > erase > > > >> everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on > > disks > > > >> within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all > > your > > > >> credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the > > tracking > > > >> on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s > > you > > > >> attempt to play. > > > >> > > > >> If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy. It will > > program > > > >> your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law’s number. This > > > virus > > > >> will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your > > beer. > > > >> > > > >> For god’s sake, are you listening? > > > >> > > > >> It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are > > expecting > > > >> company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with > > > >> Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind > > your > > > back > > > >> and billing your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors > > and > > > >> throw things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye. > > > >> > > > >> It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs > > to > > > >> passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that > > grossly > > > >> change the interpretations of key sentences. > > > >> > > > >> If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, > > it > > > >> will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in > > > >> dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the > > > forbidden > > > >> tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your > > skim > > > milk > > > >> with whole milk. > > > >> > > > >> PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN! > > > >> > > > >> If you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you’ll fart so > > hard > > > >> that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of > > you, > > > >> sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. > > > > > > >
Pope in NYC
The Pope arrives in NYC for an important UN meeting. His flight
is delayed, so he has only 15 minutes to get from JFK airport to
the UN building. A car had of course has been arranged to pick
him up — he is, after all, the Pope.
The Pope tells the driver of his predicament, but the driver
says that he will not violate the speed limit. So the Pope says
“OK, OK, get in the back, I’ll drive.” The Pope floors it,
weaving through traffic like a madman. Inevitably, even for the
Pope, he sees flashing lights behind him, and has to pull over.
The officer takes one look in the window, turns pale, and slowly
walks back to his squad car.
He calls up his superior officer, and tells him “I just pulled
this guy over for speeding, but I can’t give him a ticket.”
“Well, why not?”
“He’s too important”
“Well, who is it? The mayor? Did you pull over the mayor?”
“No, no, no. Much more important than that.”
“Well, was it Donald Trump?”
“No, no, no. Much more important than that.”
“Was it the president? Please tell me you did not pull over the
president of the United States.”
“No, no, no. Much more important than than.”
By this time, the superior officer is completely flabbergasted.
He yelled “Well, then who the hell did you pull over?!”
To which the policeman nervously replied “Well, I don’t know,
but he’s got the Pope for a driver!”
How To Make A Turkey
HOW TO MAKE A TURKEY
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Hurting all over
A young woman said to her doctor, “You have to help me, I hurt all over.”
“What do you mean?” said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe. “Ow, even THAT hurts.”
The doctor asked the woman, “Are you a natural blonde?”
“Why yes,” she said.
“I thought so,” said the doctor. “You have a sprained finger.”
10 reasons why sex is better than School
1. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for
virgins and only because they haven’t had sex yet.
2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc…, school just
sucks.
3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you
feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.
4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.
5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people
to drink.
6. Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress.
7. Nothing beats the “hands on” experience you get with sex.
8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is
still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have
sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!
How do you change a blonde’s mind?
Blow in her ear.
Pussy Cat
One day a fly was flying over a lake. In the lake a trout said
to himself, “If that fly will drop four inches, I can jump out
and catch it.” Behind a shrub a bear said to himself, “If that
fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water
and catch it, so I can reach out and grab the trout.” On a hill
sat a hunter who said, “If that fly will drop four inches, the
trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will
reach out and grab the trout, and it will expose him for a clear
shot.” Behind A bush there was a rat who said, “If that fly will
drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch
it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout, the hunter will
have a clear shot at the bear and run down to get his kill, and
I can steal his food.” Behind a tree was a cat who said, “If
that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the
water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout,
the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear and run down to
get his kill, the rat will steal the hunter’s food, and I can
pounce on the rat.” Well, everything began: the fly dropped four
inches, the trout caught the fly, the bear reached out and
grabbed the trout exposing himself, the hunter shot the bear and
ran down for his kill, the rat stole the hunter’s food, and the
cat tripped and rolled all the way down the hill into the lake.
Moral: When the fly drops, the pussy gets wet.