A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him “every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?” The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.”
Author: admin
Robot caddy
A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy.
The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free.
The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.
The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.
He informs the golfer that they don’t have the robot caddies anymore.
The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.
The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.
The golfer asks him why they didn’t just paint the robots black?
The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn’t show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Multi-Syllable Words
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, miss, me, me!”
Teacher says “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?” Little Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate.” Teacher smiles and says “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.” Little Johnny says “No, miss, you’re thinking of a blow job. I’m talking about a wank.
A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere…
A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes
up,”what the hell was that?”. The truck driver replies,
“some kinda animal, go back to sleep.”
Further the same thing again, bang, “What the hell was that?”, “some kinda animal
again.”
Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, “What the hell was that?”,
“Some [ethnic] bastard!”. “How terrible”,says the hitch-hiker, “but there
were 3 bangs”
The truck driver replies, “Yeah, well I had to go through two fences to
get the bastard. . .”
Precious fluids
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when their car ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or can.One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use that. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: “Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but I surely do admire your faith!”
Chickens
Two Rednecks are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th’ bag?”
“Jes’ some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?”
“Shoot, if ya guesses right, I’ll give you both of ’em!”
“OK. Ummmmm…five?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
You might be a college student if . . .
24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that’s all you have
A woman and her little girl were visiting…
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car,
the little girl asked,”Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think
that?” “The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest
man.'”
Tables
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
The Truth
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, ‘Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?’ She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad. ‘Where the heck have you been?!?! ‘Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her. ”Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!’ She sees his hands are covered with powder and… ‘You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!’
Our Scary Gov’t
WOW !!! THIS IS SCARY !!!
Can you imagine working for an organization that has a little
more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
*3 have done time for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress – the same
group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Yo mama so fat
Yo mama so fat that when I walked around her, I got lost.