Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender looks at him, and says “For you, no charge.” Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says “I’ll have what he’s having.” Two atoms bump into each other. One says “I think I lost an electron!” The other asks, “Are you sure?”, to which the first replies, “I’m positive.” Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says “sir can I get you a martini “Descartes says “I don’t think…” and he disappears Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism! Heisenberg is out for a drive when he’s stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says “No, but I know where I am.”
Author: admin
Wedding practical joke
Impossible to drive awayJack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev…and rev…and rev.
Four quick religion quotes
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you’d make a nice sandwich.On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let’s see those evolutionists figure THIS one out.And on the 8th day God said, “OK Murphy, you take over.”
New Sign!
A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he
graduated college. So much so that he could now afford to have a
proper sign advertising his services. So he told a kid to paint
a sign board for him & put it above his clinic entrance.
Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He had
especially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic after
reading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself.
One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small
wooden board to paint the sign on and he had split the word
psychotherapist into the 3 words. His new sign read:
Psycho-
the-
rapist
Chicken clothes
A feller is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, “What on earth is that all about?” The farmer says, “We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.” “Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?” The farmer replied, “There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.”
Q: How many surrealists
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Corporate Zodiac
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree”, you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with “customers” so you can “concentrate on the big picture”. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel”…
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ “TEAM LEADS”: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers”, as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager”.
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Senior Managers”, as everyone in your social circle is a “Senior Manager”.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service”. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT: 666.
Blonde quickies 101-120
101. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she’s pregnant.
102. Q: How do blondes get pregnant?
A: And you thought blondes were dumb.
103. Q: What will she ask you?
A: “Is it mine?”
104. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
105. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
106. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
107. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
108. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
109. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
110. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
111. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
112. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
113. Q: What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
114. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don’t lend the Porsche out to your friend.
115. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
116. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: There is no difference. They’re both round and have three holes to poke.
117. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and “The Titanic”?
A: They know how many men went down on “The Titanic”.
118. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
119. Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
120. Q: What’s the difference between a blonde girl and a blond guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Doctor will help…
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy
in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he
felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor,
and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams,
and various tests and then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say
that I believe I can help you.”
“On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and
buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your
clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until
you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands
and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the
grape using only your tongue.”
“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across
the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer
around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him
and consume the doughnut.” The couple went home and their sex
life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends,
Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the
case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the
physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the
Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your
money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I
cannot help.” The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped
our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.” “Well, all
right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop
at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
cheerios…”
Question and answer Christmas joke
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?A: North Polish.
The 12 Days of an AOL Christmas
On the twelveth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me:
12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech
3 error messages
2 pieces of junk mail (just 2?)
and a jerk cursing in a chat room!
Wallet
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman