What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag and
what do they have in common?
They are both made of plastic and one was meant for children to play with!
Author: admin
bye bye daddy!!
there was a little girl who prayed everynight.the first night she said,”God bless mommy god bless daddy god bless grandma bye bye grandpa.”the next day the grandpa died.that night she said,”god bless mommy god bless daddy bye bye grandpa.”the next day grandpa died.the dad was wondering what she prayed at night so that night he went to her door and listened.she said,”god bless mommy bye bye daddy.”the next day the daddy went to work and was worried all day.that evening the daddy came home and asked his little girl what happened that day.she said,”nothing much the milkman just dropped dead on the doorstep.”
News from around the world
BRAZIL
People in the town of Pirapora do Bom Jesus were confined to their houses after the area was flooded by detergents and shampoos discarded into the River Tiete, covering the town with six feet of foam.
RUSSIA
A giant statue of a nose, which vanished 10 months ago from a house in St. Petersburg, was found by police in a city apartment block. Said a police spokes- man, “Both the residents and the police, who found the nose, treated it with affection.”
CHINA
According to news reports, employees in Guangzhou who are owed back pay prefer, instead of suing, to threaten suicide in public. Said one construction worker who dangled from a high rise, “There was no other way to get what the company owed us.”
ITALY
An Italian prisoner who was given a 72-hour pass for good behavior asked to go back to his cell after spending less than a day with his wife. Said a spokesman at Vigevano prison: “We got a call from him saying he couldn’t stand being with his wife and was it possible to go back to his cell.”
WALES
A man tried to steal a till from a corner shop in Blackwood while wearing a pair of underpants on his head, but midway through the holdup the shorts slipped, covering his eyes and blinding him. The man then hit himself on the head with the till as he tried to pull it from the counter, cutting himself above his left eye and causing him to drop the cash.
SCOTLAND
A Glasgow repairman replaced a flickering light bulb on a hotel sign, not realizing that it was central to the design of a $300,000 work of modern art, which consisted entirely of a sign with a flickering light bulb.
CALIFORNIA
In Corona a waiter, angry at some customers who requested vegetables with their meal, became so mad that he followed the customers home, smashed eggs on their house, dribbled maple syrup over their hedge and sprinkled powdered sugar and instant mashed potato flakes on their lawn.
— Reuters; The Age; Associated Press; Bizarre Magazine; Boston Globe; Universal Press Syndicate; ananova.com; The BBC
8 things you’ll never hear a woman say :
8. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being ‘just
friends’
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how
to get there.
2. I don’t care if it’s on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger.
Three (other) little pigs…
There were three little pigs named Shutup, Stupid, and Trouble, and they were driving a car through the countryside once day.
Trouble leaned too far out the window and fell out of the car, and then down a hill, so Shutup and Stupid started looking for him.
A police car stopped to see what was the matter, but when the cops asked what their names were, the pigs each said their names in turn.
“Shutup”
“Stupid”
Misunderstanding them, the cops asked them if they were looking for trouble, and they said “Yes, he fell out of the car and rolled down the hill.”
The laws of golf
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
The least experienced fisherman always
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Chihuahua
A guy with a Doberman pinscher asks his friend who has a Chihuahua if he wants to grab a bite to eat.
The man with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go into a restaurant. We’ve got dogs with us.”
“Just follow my lead,” assures the other man.
They walk over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses before entering.
When he gets inside, the doorman says, “Sorry sir, no pets allowed.”
To which the man replies, “It’s OK, this is my seeing eye dog.”
“A Doberman?” the confused host asks.
“Yes, they’re using them now. They’re really quite good.”
The host shrugs and says, “Come on in.”
Next, the guy with the Chihuahua decides to give it a try, so he puts on his sunglasses and walks in.
The host stops him immediately and says, “Sorry guy, no pets allowed.”
“You don’t understand. This is my seeing eye dog,” the man replies.
The host says, “Oh, come on, a Chihuahua?”
At which point the man yells, “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
A conversation
Husband: I hear that fish is good for our brain.
Wife: You had better eat a whale.
Anne: “How long can a person live without brains?”
Billy: “I don’t know. How old are you?”
Father: Don’t you think our son gets all his brains from me?
Mother: Probably. I still have all mine.
Dan: She’s a bright girl…she has brains enough for two.
Jim: Then she’s just the girl for you.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
“Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…”
(especially when you share the same major!)
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
RELIGION: Each prays for reconciliation and/or curses G-d
ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: “OH MY G-D! Life is… ENDED… as we KNOW it!”
BIOLOGY: “You just wanted to get in my genes!”
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
JOURNALISM: “Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks…”
WOMEN’S STUDIES: “HE did it!”
BUSINESS: Both decide that they’re spending way too much money together, and that it’s simply cheaper to be single.
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
ANATOMY: “I never liked your body anyway.”
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn’t really say anything substantively intelligible.
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.
COMPUTING: “Man, this bytes — we just couldn’t interface” and/or “His hard drive was more like a floppy.”
E. ENGINEER: “It’s just so shocking… I’m sure there are positives and negatives, but…”
ARCHITECTURE: “There just wasn’t much to build on anyway…”
JEWISH STUDIES: “OY! You should feel so guilty!”
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there’s no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?
ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.
PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.
CHEMISTRY: “It was just the wrong chemistry between us…”
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to, “Get help!”
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
Keeps Her Youth
How does an older woman keep her youth?
By giving him money!
Happy moments
Members of different nations discussed the happiest day of their lives.
The Frenchman said that the happiest day of his live would be when he meets a pretty young lady, who will become his lover, would be always nice to him, be available day or night…
The American said, that it would be when he inherits his family business. And after making successful strategic changes in his organization, the stock value of the company raises five points on a market.
And than the Russian said: “When I hear heavy kicking to my doors at 3:00 am.”
“Petrov?!”
“No, next floor!”