What do u say when u see ur tv floating during the nite?
put it back niger
Author: admin
Cheer
Q: What’s the blonde’s cheer?
A: “I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B. L. O. N. . . . ah, oh well. . I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea. . . “
Understand Kiwi talk
Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what they’re saying?
Just by following these easy steps, you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
What you hear and what it means:
A MEDGEN: visualize, conjure up mentally, John Lennon ‘s first solo album Imagine, as if it was a Bug Hut in the Land of the Long White Cloud.
BETTING: ‘Betting Gloves’ are worn by ‘betsmen’ in ‘crucket’.
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the ‘nick’ and the ‘billy’.
BUGGER: As in ‘mine is bugger then yours’.
CHULLY BUN: ‘Chilly bin’ also known as an ESKY’
COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian cricket team who resigned tearfully in favor of Allan Border. Full name: Kimberley John Hughes.
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like ‘Surria’, ‘E-Jupp’ and ‘Libernon. ‘
EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff.
GUESS: Flammable vapor used in stoves.
CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point of sale operators.
SENDLES: Sandals, thongs and open shoes.
COLOR: Terminator, violent forecloses of human life.
CUSS: Kiss.
DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.
PHAR LAP: New Zealand’s famous racehorse christened Phillip but was incorrectly written down as ‘Phar Lap’ by an Australian racing official who was not well versed in Kiwi-ese.
DUNNESTY: US television soap opera starred Joan Collins as Elixirs Kerrungton. ‘
ERROR ROUTE: Arnott’s famous oval-shaped ‘mulk error route buskets’.
FITTER CHENEY. A type of long flat pasta, not to be confused with ‘Rugger Tony’ or ‘Tell ya. Tilly’.
Q: How many nurses
Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?A: Will somebody please call house-keeping?
A scale not a zoo
Yo momma so fat when she stepped on a scale it said animals do not compute
What…
what is green, alive, all over the world, and has 17 legs?
GRASS; i lied about the legs.
Energizer Bunny arrested!
Did you hear?
The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.
Q: How many country
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go “Yeeeee-Hah !” and throw his hat in the air.
Sister Mathematical & Sister Logical
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to have his way with us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!
Frustrated
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer’s tedious arguments, had made
numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the
judge’s orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another
repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his
ear and said, “Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are
saying is just going in one ear and out the other.””Your honor,” replied the
lawyer, “That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?”
The Top 16 Differences if Game Shows Were Hosted by Satan
16> The “Lightning Round” involves actual lightning.
15> “You still have two deathlines available. Do you want to consult the tarot or phone Hitler?”
14> When your host says, “Come on down!” he ain’t kidding!
13> Always the same friggin’ parting gift: The director’s cut DVD of “Little Nicky.”
12> Spin the wheel? Eat entrails. Daily Double? Eat entrails.
11> The “Name That Tune” orchestra is nothing but a guy playing a golden fiddle.
10> A true “Daily Double” involves betting your soul *and* having Richard Simmons as your roommate in hell.
9> Their own having been rendered useless from repeated poker-stabbings, contestants always eager to buy a bowel.
8> Door #1: Hellfire and damnation.
Door #2: Eternal plagues and pestilence.
Door #3: Room full of telemarketers with your number on speed dial.
7> Wrong answer? Pitchfork in the ass!
6> “Okay, ladies, here’s your question: What did your husbands say when our hellhounds ripped off and ate their testicles?”
5> “Wheel! Of! Misfortune! And now, your host… Paaaaaaaat Satanjak!”
4> “I’ll take ‘No Matter What You Answer, You’ll Suffer in Hell for All Eternity’ for $100, master.”
3> “You can keep the cattle prod in your rectum or trade it for what’s behind the curtain next to Pol Pot.”
2> “… and the Final Jeopardy category is: ‘Random Strangers Your Mom Has Fellated.'”
1> All nine Hollywood Squares are occupied by Baldwin brothers.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Why Monica Lost the Case
Why did Monica Lewinsky lose the case against Bill Clinton?
Because she swallowed the evidence.