Q. how does a blonde loose 5 lbs?
A. She takes off her make-up.
Author: admin
El obispo al cura: Mire,
El obispo al cura:
Mire, me da igual que en vez de cantar la misa con el �rgano, la canten con guitarra el�ctrica y bater�a. Me da igual que en vez de decir Jes�s y los doce ap�stoles, diga Chus y la Banda, pero lo que m�s me molesta es que en Semana Santa ponga un cartel en la entrada de la iglesia que diga: “Cerrado por defunci�n del jefe”.
Sleeping Bag
Q: What do you call a gay guy in a sleeping bag?
A: A fruit-rollup.
Q: How many roadies
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: None. “I don’t do lights. That’s the light crew’s job.”
Beaten kid (dis on vikings)
A kid is in court on the stand because his parents beat him. So the kid gose up and sits on the stand and the judge ask the kid if he wants to live with his mom he says, “no” and the judge replies, “and why not” the kid respondes, “because she beats me” and then the judge says, “oh then do you want to live with your dad?” and the kid replies again, “no” the jugde again asks why not and the kid says, ” because he beats me to” and the jugde says, “then who DO your want to live with?” and kid responds, “I wanna live with the Vikings they dont beat anybody”
Whales
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, “Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female “lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. “Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!”
Despu�s de un cruento enfrentamiento
Despu�s de un cruento enfrentamiento en plena guerra mundial todo un batall�n es exterminado, con excepci�n de cuatro soldados que logran atrincherarse a escasos metros del Cuartel. Sin municiones y con escasos alimentos, los cuatro soldados de distintas nacionalidades, un espa�ol, un franc�s, un italiano y un argentino, esperan durante dos d�as sin que el enemigo d� se�ales de vida. Al tercer d�a el espa�ol le dice a sus compa�eros:
“�Hombre! �Pues qu� habr� pasado? El enemigo no se debe haber dado cuenta que nos refugiamos aqu� y se ha retirao.”
“Imposible, ellos saben que estamos aqu�, no nos dejar�an aqu� con vida”, dice el argentino.
“�Pues, hombre! Voy a demostraros que tengo raz�n saliendo ahora mismo de esta madriguera.”
Y dicho esto el espa�ol se levanta y… �Pum! una bala le atraviesa la cabeza.
“�Muero por Espa�aaaaaa!” grita, y cae al suelo sin vida.
Despu�s de esto los tres soldados restantes deciden esperar un poco m�s. A los cinco d�as el franc�s dice a sus compa�eros:
“�Mon amis! Creo que el enemigo ya se ha ido, nadie puede permanecer tanto tiempo sin dar se�ales de vida.”
Y dicho esto el franc�s se levanta y… �Pum! un certero balazo le atraviesa la cabeza:
“�Mon dieu, muero por Franciaaaaa!”, y cae al suelo sin vida.
Al otro d�a el italiano le dice al argentino:
“Ya non soportare m�s estar aqu� sin comer, necesito comer algo, voy a salire!”
Y dicho esto el tano sale y nuevamente otro certero balazo aparece de la nada y le atraviesa la cabeza:
“�Porca miseria, muero por Italiaaaaaa!”, y cae muerto a los pies del argentino.
A los cinco minutos:
“�Mierda! no puedo creer que estos tipos tengan tanta punter�a, voy a salir!” �Pum!
�MUERO POR PELOTUDOOOOOO!
Gross Siamese Tongue
What’s grosser than gross? Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.What’s even grosser than that? When one of them throws up.
Blonde and the rooster
What’s the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A rooster says, “Cock a doodle doo!”, but a blonde says, “Any cock’ll do!”
Do jellyfish get gas from
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
The Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students
10. It doesn’t bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a
year on Wall Street.
9. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I wouldn’t never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have on more book to read and then I’ll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I’ll be out of here in only two more years
International Beer Sell
An insect falls into a mug of beer. English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out. American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer. Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer. Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer. Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.