Author: admin

Buy me a drink

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A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants.

They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?” he asks.

“Well,” she replied, “You can start by buying me a drink.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

How to uninstall AOL

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Joke – How to uninstall AOL.

Follow these steps precisely, and proceed to the next step only after discovering that AOL is still installed.

1. Uninstall AOL through AOL’s built-in uninstaller.
2. Uninstall AOL through Add/Remove Programs.
3. Do a System Restore to a date before you had AOL installed.
4. Give up and reinstall Windows.
5. Reinstall Windows again because it crashed halfway through.
6. Scream wildly. Swearing is appropriate in this instance.
7. Format the drive completely.
8. Reinstall Windows from scratch, and find a perfectly clean desktop with nothing except the “My Computer”, “Recycle Bin” and “AOL” icons on your desktop.
9. Turn off computer, and physically remove hard drive. Run a large magnet over hard drive, then run it over with a 20-ton steamroller, then take hard rive to nearest data recovery company, where they’ll politely tell you that they were unable to recover the spreadsheet that you needed for work on Thursday, but that there’s no need to panic, because amazingly AOL 8.3 (the “Melty” version) is still installed on the drive.
10. Weep like a little girl. Then go to your nearest hardware store and buy an axe. Upon returning to the parking lot with the axe, take the hard drive out of your trunk and commence hacking.
11. Take all the little pieces home, and toss them in a bonfire. This, of course, will not work, for as we all know from watching various B-movies, items with demonic auras don’t burn.
12. Douse fire with water. Douse hard drive with Holy Water.
13. When all else fails, convert to the Amish beliefs. They never seem to have this sort of problem for some reason.

(The preceding has been a JakesJokes.com original.)

How to Write Your Thesis

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Scene: It’s a fine beautiful day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, typing away on his laptop.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: “What are you working on?” Rabbit: “My Thesis paper to graduate from University.” Fox: “Hmmmmm. What is it about?” Rabbit: “Oh, I’m writing about how rabbits eat foxes.”

(There is an incredulous pause)

Fox: “That’s ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don’t eat foxes!” Rabbit: “Come with me and I’ll show you!”

They both disappear into the rabbit’s burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his lap top and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hard working rabbit. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).

Wolf: “What’s that you are writing?” Rabbit: “I’m doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves.” (loud guffaws). Wolf: “You don’t expect to get such garbage published, do you?” Rabbit: “No problem. Do you want to see why?”

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself. This time he is patting his stomach. He goes back to his typing. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).

Finally a bear comes along and asks, Bear: “What are you doing?” Rabbit: “I’m doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears.” Bear: “Well that’s absurd!” Rabbit: “Come into my home and I’ll show you.”

SCENE: Inside the rabbit’s burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner is a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: ———————– It doesn’t matter what you choose for a thesis topic. It doesn’t matter what you use for your data. It doesn’t even matter if your topic makes sense. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor.

Top nfl complaints

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1. After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players
start shooting back with live ammunition.
2. Calling “heads or tails” but never getting any. . . “head” or “tail”.
3. Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”.
4. Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their
last remaining fan.
5. With Reggie White retired, the penalty for “Illegal use of a racial slur”
is meaningless.
6. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to
frickin’ CLEVELAND!!!
7. Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
8. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it’s black and
white week after week after week!
9. Don King only bribes boxing judges.
10. Official rule books not made in Braille.
11. I’m the one that everybody wants to kill, so where’s MY helmet and pads?!

Taxidermist

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A guy walks into a bar in Oklahoma and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

Boy or Girl?

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In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, “Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?” The boy baby quickly chirps up, “I’m a boy baby!””How can you tell?” asks girl baby.”Easy,” says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward.”See…..blue booties”

10 minutes ago

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A Mormon, a Jew, and an African-American arrive together at St. Peter’s gate.

“Before you can be admitted,” says St. Peter, “I’d like you each to tell me why you deserve to be here.”

The Mormon speaks first, “I’ve devoted my life to helping my fellow man.”

The Jew says, “I’ve given countless hours to the support of my community and to helping the State of Israel.”

“And you?” says St. Peter, turning to the African-American.

“I spent my whole life in Boston, trying to improve race relations. I even married an Irish-Catholic girl.”

“Really? When did this happen?”

“Oh, about ten minutes ago.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Ten years on a deserted island

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A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!”, he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!” Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”