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Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fred!
Fred who?
Fred Badge of Courage!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Frederick!
Frederick who?
Frederick Express!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Freddie!
Freddie who?
Freddie or not here I come!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Freighter!
Freighter who?
Freighter open the door!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fresno!
Fresno who?
Rudolf the Fresno reindeer…!
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
Un buen d�a dos gringos estaban haciendo puenting y en eso a uno se le ocurre una brillante idea y le dice al otro, “Oye, podr�amos poner un negocio de puenting en M�xico y forrarnos �no?”
El otro tipo se da cuenta de que la idea no es mala, as� que los dos sacan sus ahorros del banco y compran todo lo necesario para comenzar con el negocio: la torre, las cuerdas el�sticas, seguros, etc.
Se van a un pueblo de M�xico para comenzar con el emplazamiento y la construcci�n de la torre de puenting, su nuevo y brillante negocio. Obviamente, cuando empiezan la construcci�n se junta una multitud de curiosos. Poco a poco la gente se multiplica mientras ellos siguen con su trabajo.
Cuando est� todo listo deciden hacer una demostraci�n para la multitud que se habia juntado durante la construcci�n de su emplazamiento. Entonces, el primero salta y llega a dar al tope de la cuerda, pero cuando regresa hacia arriba el otro tipo nota que trae unos ligeros cortes sobre su rostro y algunos ara�azos. Lamentablemente el tipo que lo esperaba arriba no lo pudo agarrar a tiempo y volvi� a caer y al llegar al final de la cuerda el�stica vuelve a subir. Esta vez tiene ya unos chichones y est� sangrando.
Otra vez el tipo que lo esperaba arriba no lo pudo agarrar, as� que el tipo que estaba probando las cuerdas volvi� a caer y al llegar al fin de la cuerda vuelta hacia arriba. Esta vez vuelve hecho un desastre: la ropa toda rota, sangre por todos lados, huesos rotos y ya est� casi inconsciente. Afortunadamente esta vez s� lo agarra el tipo que estaba arriba esper�ndolo y le pregunta desesperado:
“�Qu� pasa? �La cuerda es demasiado larga?”
“No, no, la cuerda est� bien, pero �qu� co�o es una PI�ATA?”
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn`t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I`m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
Mencken’s Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem – neat, plausible, and wrong.
You’re a redneck if…. The first words out of your mouth every time you see
friends are “Howdy!”
“HEY!” or “How Y’all Doing?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a
redneck too!)
A hillbilly and two Indians were walking along. Around them were lots of caves. Suddenly one of the Indians ran up to one of the caves and yelled,
WOOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOOOO!
There was a reply from inside the cave, WOOOOOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOWOOOOO! So the Indian tore off his clothes and ran inside.
The hillbilly was confused about this, so he asked the other Indian, who replied, Well during mating season, all the women hide inside these caves, and what the men have to do is go up to one of the caves and yell WOOOOWOOOOWOOOOWOOOOOWOOOO! And if the women yell WOOOOWOOOOWOOOOWOOOOWOOOO! he can then take off his clothes and go in to mate.
And indeed, when they came to another cave, the Indian ran up to it and yelled WOOOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOOO! There was another WOOOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOOO! from inside the cave, so the Indian tore off his clothes and ran inside to mate with the women in the cave.
The hillbilly thought this was a great idea. He ran up to one really big cave, thinking, Wow, there must be lots of big beautiful women in here! So he called, WOOOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOOOWOOOOOWOOOOO!, and sure enough he heard a loud WOOOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOWOOOOOOO! The hillbilly tore off his clothes and dashed inside.
The next day, the front page of the local newspaper bore the headline:
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN
A blonde went to the bathroom to pop her huge zit on her boob. When her friend walked in asked her what she was doing, the blonde replied, “Trying to pop this huge zit on my boob!”
Her friend answered, “That’s not a zit. That’s your nipple!”
There this man who every half a hour goes outside and checks his mailbox, don’t c anythink and starts booing. the guy next door say what u doing hes say my stupid computer keeps on saying i’ve got mail…
One day, a teacher told her class to say their father’s
occupation, spell it then say what he would give them if he was
there today.
Marie stood up.
“My daddy is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he
would give us all a shiny new penny.” she said.
“Very nice, Marie. Next!”
Jamie stood up.
“My daddy is a baker. B-A-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would
give us all a fresh cookie.” he said.
“Very nice, Jamie.” said the teacher.
Harry stood up.
“My daddy is an accountant. A-K-K…” he began but he was
quickly cut off again as the teacher told him to sit down and
think about it.
“While Harry finds out how to spell accountant, Johnny, you go.”
Johnny stood up.
“My daddy is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E. If he was here today he
would give 20:1 odds that Harry won’t be able to spell
accountant!
There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it,
looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked
into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the
bartender finally asked, ‘How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in
your pocket?’ The man said, ‘because there is a picture of
my wife in my pocket and I’m going to keep drinking till she looks good enough
to go home.’
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson . 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.
His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn’t have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]. “Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
]Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in a Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D’Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. “It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony,” Honer said. “It’s one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected.”
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building’s windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was “one of the best and brightest” members of the 200-man association.
Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned.
Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
“More intelligence-challenged people”
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn’t realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
Portsmouth, R. I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2.later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson’s motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7: 50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
In case you’ve forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:
* James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a “farm-type truck. “Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns’ clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns “wrapped in the drive shaft. ” [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]
* Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to “move” a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2×4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.
* Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.
* In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn’t find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.