These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.82. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
Author: admin
The Man Etiquette Test
Here’s a chance for you men to find out how compassionate and sensitive you are to women. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up. (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty. (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom. (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings. (+5)
But return with beer. (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something. (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron. (+10)
It’s her father. (-10)
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy. (-2)
Named Tiffany. (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer. (-6)
Tiffany has implants. (-8)
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner. (0)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar. (+1)
It is a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A Night Out With The Boys
And the pal is happily married. (-4)
Or frighteningly single. (-7)
And he drives a Mustang. (-10)
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED). (-15)
A Night Out
You take her to a movie. (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called Death Cop 3. (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex. (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say “I don’t give a damn because you have one too.” (-800)
The Big Question
She asks, “Do I look fat?”. (-5)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes. (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+10)
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep. (-20)
Scoring
Start with 50 points and add your score to it. If you ended up with +15 then your score would be 65 for the 65th percentile. If you got -15 then your score would be 35 for the 35th percentile.
Lipstick on ya prick
Two guys are sitting in the doctor’s waiting room, so to pass the time they start to chat to each other.
They get to why they are here and the first one, Mr. Smith, says, “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing really, but I got this red ring round the shaft of my … you know … penis.”
“Hey, that’s amazing,” says Mr. Jones, “I got a green ring ’round mine. I feel a lot better knowing I ain’t some kind of freak.”
So both feeling somewhat relieved, they talk about football and horse racing until Mr. Smith is called in to see the doctor. Ten minutes later, Mr. Smith returns, a wide grin on his face. On the way to the door, he quickly says to Mr. Jones, “Hey, no worries, he rubbed in some liquid with a cloth and it came off. You’ll be out in no time. See ya buddy.”
Feeling better, Mr. Jones goes in to the doctor when called. He explains his problem, drops his trousers, and lets the doctor have a look. “It’s serious I’m afraid Mr. Jones, It will have to be amputated. I can schedule surgery for three days time.”
“WHAT!! NO!! That guy in here two minutes ago got his rubbed off! What do ya mean ‘amputate!?'”
“I’m sorry Mr. Jones, there is a big difference between lip-stick and gangrene.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Awkward Elevator Ride
The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, “Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?”
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: “Who was that woman?!”
“Take it easy, honey,” said the groom, “I’m going to have trouble enough explaining you to her.”
Island
There are three woman on a island and land is 300 yards away. A
brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The brunette swims 150 yards
and dies. The redhead swims 200 yards and dies. But the blonde
swims 250 yards and gets tired so she swims back.
80 days
Yo mama is so fat that Jackie Chan couldn’t go around her in 80 days.
En un restaurante estaban un
En un restaurante estaban un tipo, su esposa y un ping�ino. Se acerca un mesero y pregunta:
“�Puedo tomar su orden caballero?”
�Mire, a m� deme un filete, a la se�ora otro y al ping�ino quinientos�.
“Muy bien, se�or. �Y de tomar?”
“Para m� una cerveza, a la se�ora otra y al ping�ino mil”.
“�De postre?”
“Para m� una rebanada de pastel, otra para mi esposa y al ping�ino 200 pl�tanos”.
“Muy bien, se�or”.
Al momento de entregar la cuenta, intrigado, el mesero se dirige al comensal:
�Se�or, �le puedo hacer una pregunta?�
�S�.
��Por qu� tiene un ping�ino?�
�Pues, mire, yo me encontr� una lampara m�gica; cuando la frot� sali� un genio que me concedi� tres deseos: primero le ped� tener mucho dinero, ya ve usted que hasta en efectivo le pagu�.
�Es cierto. Oiga, �y el segundo cu�l fue?�
�El segundo fue tener una esposa muy bonita y de buen cuerpo. Ya lo ve usted (dirige la mirada hacia su esposa).�
�Tiene raz�n, �y el tercer deseo?�
��se fue mi error, yo ped� tener un pajarote muy grande e insaciable, y ya ve usted, me mand� a este pinche ping�ino�.
A un hombre se le
A un hombre se le perdi� una cartera con mil d�lares y cinco tarjetas de cr�dito y puso un anuncio en el peri�dico:
“$100 a la persona que me devuelva la cartera con $1,000 y cinco tarjetas de cr�dito”.
Al d�a siguiente, en el mismo peri�dico, apareci� un anuncio:
“$200 por lo mismo, m�s una cena gratis en un restaurante”.
Worse?
What’s worse than lipstick on you collar?
Leg makeup on your ears.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Praying Parrots
Praying Parrots
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'”
“That’s terrible!”, the priest exclaimed, “Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, “Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?”
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, “PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!”
Kiss my ass
a football player bens over to get the ball an he tell the other player to kiss his black ass
Why does Jocelyn Elders hate aspirin?
Q: Why does Jocelyn Elders hate aspirin?
A: It’s white, it works, and you have to pick cotton to get to it.