A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,”BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO…..”She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts “BE SILENT!”There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,”OEING! OEING! OEING! OE….”
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A dope ring.
What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch.
Mr. Chainsaw
Q. Why are black people afraid of chainsws
A. Every time you start one up it says ruun-nigger-nigger-nigger.
Perfect Put Downs
Sorry but you seem to mistaking me for someone who is interested
in what you are saying.
Here’s some money (hand it to the jerk) go call somebody who
cares.
I’d sue my parents if I had a face like yours.
God do you need a special licence to be so ugly?
You smell of piss.
Did you style your hair like that on perpose?
Is that your head or did your neck thow-up?
God your ugly…..oh shit did i say that out loud?
I don’t mean to be rude but could you please fuck off.
Could you stand back a little your breath is scourching my
make-up.
Nationality of Adam and Eve
What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they’re in Paradise when they
were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?
Demerit Point System Used by Women.
DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN
(The code is finally broken – the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects… Sorry, but that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed………………………………………….. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows………0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…………………..-1 You leave the toilet seat up………………………………..-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………………0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…….-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night …………………….0 You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing………………0 You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…………… 5 You pummel it with a six iron……………………………… 10
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party………………………..0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy……………………………………………-2 Named Tiffany…………………………………………….-4 Tiffany is a dancer……………………………………….-6 Tiffany has implants………………………………………-8
HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner………………………………….0 You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ………… 1 Okay, it is a sports bar…………………………………..-2 And it’s all-you-can-eat night……………………………..-3 It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…………………………..-10
THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely…………………………-20 You forget your anniversary……………………………….-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station………………..-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey…………………………….-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast…………………-60
A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie…………………………………… 2 You take her to a movie she likes………………………….. 4 You take her to a movie you hate ………………………….. 6 You take her to a movie you like……………………………-2 It’s called DeathCop
3…………………………………….-3 Which features cyborgs having sex…………………………..-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans………..-15
FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it’s expected…………………..0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ….. 20 You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself ……. 30 And she contracts Lyme disease…………………………….-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………… -15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ……………………………………-30 You say “I don’t care because you have one too” ……………-800
FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………… -5 Something she can’t use…………………………………..-10 Such as a motorized model airplane…………………………-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday………………-40
DRIVING You lost the directions on a trip………………………….-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………….-10 You don’t stop to ask directions …………………..0 You stop and ask for directions …………………. 25 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ……………..-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal……………………………………………….-25 You know them…………………………………………..-60
THE BIG QUESTION She asks, “Do I look fat?” ……………………………….-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding……………………………….-10 You reply, “Where?”……………………………………..-35
COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…………………………..0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……… 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10 She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…………..-20
What Happened in Tex
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ”WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?” he yelled. No one answered. ”ALL RIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA’ BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ”Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, ”I had to walk home.”
Terror
what do you call a fanny with teeth?
a vicious cunt.
“Don’t think of it as
“Don’t think of it as thousands of dollars of your hard-earned
money. Think of it as a screwdriver for the military.
Your momma so fat
your momma so fat when she stepped on a scale it said to be continued.
Your mammas so stupid………
Your mammas so stupid when your dad came in and said it was chili outside she ran and grabed a spoon.
Tasaday
A man and his wife agreed to have sex only on days that
starts with the letter T (That is Tuesdays andThursdays) One Saturday, the man came home in the night and started kissing and caressing the wife. His hands went down to her underwear,realising what is goint to happen, the wife asked him “Honey,do you really know what day it is?”
Man: “Of course Honey,today is Tasaday”