You can’t be real. May I pinch you to see if I’m dreaming?
Hey, didn’t we go to different high schools?
There’s so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
At last! I finally found the perfect girl!
A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.
Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
If I follow you home, will you keep me?
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
If love is the answer…can you repeat the question?
I’m writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.
I know I’m not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?
But you’re so *cute* when you blush!
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
I don’t approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.
Please be patient–this is my first time.
May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.
Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.
Nothing says “I love you” better than six hours of nonstop sex.
A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.
A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
I only like two kinds of girls–domestic and imported.
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!
I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.
Didn’t I meet you in some other hallucination?
Be good and you’ll be lonely.
The best things in life are ME!
I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
I used to be a terrible flirt. I’m much better at it now.
I don’t dance. But I’d love to hold you while you do.
Clothes aren’t sexy. Women are.
I can’t whistle at my girlfriend…she leaves me breathless!
Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
I feel great! And I don’t kiss badly either!
BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!
Author: admin
Upset Wife
One day, a man came home to find his wife hysterically crying.
He said, “Honey, whats the matter?” She said, “Oh it was
terrible. This black man broke in the house. He raped me, made
me suck his cock and made me sing the star spangled banner”.
“That’s terrible,” the man replied. “I know. I don’t know how to
sing.”
A fly in my beer!
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub
together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just
as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in
each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it
over the pint, yelling… “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!”
You might be a red neck…
If you have to go out to your garage to heat something up in the microwave.
ESKIMO
AN ESKIMO IS DRIVING HIS CAR WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HE BREAKS DOWN SO HE CALLS THE AA.WHEN THE MAN ARRIVES HE LIFTS UP THE HOOD OF THE CAR AND SAYS “YOU’VE BLOWN A SEAL” THE ESKIMO THEN SAYS “SO WHAT,YOU SHAG SHEEP!”
Drink, dance and …
Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.
Dudley said, “Well, I’m no John D. Rockefeller, but I’ll buy.”
After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.
Dudley smiled and said, “I’m no Fred Astaire, but I’ll give it a whirl.”
Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. “I’m no Cary Grant,” replied Dudley, “but I’ll follow you up there.” They leave and go to the lady’s apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.
Afterward, the lady says, “What about some money?”
Dudley shot back, “Well, I’m no gigolo, but I’ll take it!”
Portland Fair
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said
“Ya know Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.”
And every year Martha would say “I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs… and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
So Stumpy says “By Jeebers Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old. If I don’t go this time I may nevah go.”
Martha replies “Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs… and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
So the pilot overhears them and says “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won’t charge you, but just one word and it’s ten dollars.”
They agree and up they go.The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does it one more time, still nothing. So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn’t.”
And Stumpy replies “Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out, but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Flags tell us information about our taxes
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.””That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
Penis and the Windsheild
A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything … the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc … and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him: “One more complaint and I’ll cut your penis off with my pen-knife”.
About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy’s dick off, and throws it out the window.
Driving behind the couple’s car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car’s windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn’t want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).
The observant daughter asks: “Daddy, what was that?”
Her father, still in a panic, says, “Oh it was only a…..uh……..butterfly”.
“Must’ve been a big butterfly,” replied the daughter…
“Did you see the size of it’s dick!
New dog breed
Did you here about the new dog breed of dog?
It’s a cross between a Pittbull and a Collie.
First it bites off your leg, and then it runs for help.
Chicken bone
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Buford Buck’s 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.
The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck “You’re right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm.”
That is what you get!
So, my friend said,”Hey, what do you think about him?””Who? the principal?”I said. “No way Jose!!”she said. “Are you calling ME Jose?? Huh,huh???”I said. “No! Why would I, booger times infinity!!!!”she screamed in my ear. “Muppet Puppet MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!”I said laughing. Then someone was sneaking around the school and he heard our conversation,so when he passed us, WE GAVE HIM A DOUBLE WEDGIE!! And his boxers had B-A-R-N-E-Y on them so he was the laugh of the school!!