In a New York medical building:
“Mental Health Prevention Center”
Author: admin
Fat Momma
your mum is so fat when she volountered to clean the cages at the zoo,everybody would walk past and say look at that fat hippopotamus
Doing Pushups
One cucumber was telling another “my life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad.”
The other cucumber said “yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me.”
A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes in, “my life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups ’til I puke.”
Ole/Lena Reveal Unfaithful Moments
After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, “Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?”
“Not even once!” exclaimed Ole. “Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?”
“Well, er, yes — but only three times,” she admitted somewhat embarrassed.
“Hmmm, three times?” questioned Ole. “That’s not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?”
“Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?” asked Lena. “That was the first time.”
“And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?” she asked. “That was the second time.”
“OK, Lena, when was the third time?” queried Ole?
“The third time was ” Lena paused. “Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?”
10 Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh!”
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”
5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, ’cause the beard ain’t
listening.”
2. Was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage
cheese.”
1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.
Q: Why did the
Q: Why did the `Real Man’ sit in the dark?A: He couldn’t find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to ask.
Behave like a rabbit
Mari was telling her girlfriend Rosie about the gent she met on a trip to Vegas.
“He took me to his condo overlooking the strip in Vegas, we had some wine and then he showed me all these expensive jewels.
There was an emerald cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats.”
“Impressive.” said Rosie.
“Well… yes.” Mari agreed. “But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Knock KnockWho’s there?Lilac!Lilac who?Lilac a
Knock KnockWho’s there?Lilac!Lilac who?Lilac a trooper!
Town Inspector For The State
This town Inspector for the state of Texas was saent to a small town in West Texas.For Mapping Purposes. He drove into a small town and parked his car. The first thing he saw was a Cowboy chasing a coyote down the street. The Cowboy caught the coyote and comensed having sex with it in broad daylight in the middle of the street. The Inspector got all irate and said to himself,”I got to report this to the Sheriff.”He runs to the Sheriff’s office next door. The Sheriff wasn’t there. The Inspector walked outside, asked a person on the street where the Sheriff might be. The person said at that time of day, the Sheriff was always at the bar.So the Inspector went to the bar,walked in, saw the Sheriff standing at the bar. As he was going towards the bar,he noticed an old man in the corner whackin’ off! This really upset him. He went over to confront the Sheriff. He said,”Sheriff,I’m with the State. I’ve come to inspect your town. The first thing I see is a Cowboy chasing a coyote down main street; catching it, and comensin’to have sex with it! Then I come to find you to report it, and I see an old man in the corner whackin’ off! How do you explain it?”The Sheriff cocks his hat back and scratches his head;looked squarely at the Inspector and said,”You don’t expect a man his age to catch a coyote do ya?”
The feminine mystique
The day before the wedding, the mother of the bride told her daughter, ”You must preserve your feminine mystique, so don’t ever let your husband see you without at least one article of clothing on.” The bride thanked her mother for the advice and promised that she would heed it.A month later, the groom went to his mother-in-law and asked, ”Is there any insanity in your family?””Certainly not,” she snapped, ”Why do you ask?””Well,” he said, ”since I’ve been married to your daughter, I have never seen her with her hat off.”
Brunette joke
Q: What do you call a cute guy with a brunette?
A: A hostage.
Way Ahead
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a Twinkie snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”
She says with an excited knowing grin, “Oh yes sir, and I’m gonna get boobs too!”