Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.”The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.”The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some plasma.”The waitress looks up and says, “Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?”
Author: admin
The Bush
One day a boy comes home from school and walked in on his mother, who was in the shower. The boy looks down and says,”Mom,Whats that!” looking down at her vagina area. His mother looks at him disturbed and replies,”Oh honey thats just my BUSH.”
The next day the boy comes home from school he walks in on his mom who was in the shower again.The boy looks down and screams,”Mom,What happened to your BUSH!” His mother looks at him and said,”Oh honey I think I lost it.”(she shaved her pubic hair)
The very next day the boy excitedly comes running in the house and yells to his mother,”Mom I-I found your BUSH!!” His mother looking shocked ask,”Oh honey where did you find my BUSH?” The boy says to his mother,”The next door lady has it and shes rubbing it in daddys face!”
In divorce court!
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
“Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says, “I live in a two-story house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that! What’s the big deal about a two-story house?”
The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is…**I have a headache** and the other story is **It’s that time of the month!** “
Your mama so fat
your mama so fat the last time she seen 91210 was on the scale
Blonde screen door
Q:How is a blonde and a screen door alike?
A:The harder you bang them the looser they get.
After the Wake
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still had not gotten over her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mama! I have the perfect person for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit! They took to one another incredibly well, and after dating for six months he asked her to marry him and she happily agreed. A few weeks later, they were married and honeymooned in the Catskills.
The first night there, she began to undress, as did he. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asked, “Why the black panties? Is this a mystery thing?”
She replied, “The rest of my body is yours, but down there I am still in mourning.” He understood and accepted her choice, though somewhat disappointed.
The following night the same scenario: She presented herself to him, clad in only her black panties and he was in his birthday suit, except that he donned a black condom.
She looked at him and asked,” What’s with this…a black condom?”
With a sly grin, he replied, “Well, I just I wanted to offer my condolences!”
Go to school!
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!” “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”
Cremate Me
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.””And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, “Now you have everything.”
Un d�a, en el jard�n
Un d�a, en el jard�n del Ed�n, Eva llama a Dios:
“�Se�or, tengo un problema!”
Los cielos se abren y se escucha:
“�Qu� te pasa, hija?”
“Ya s� que T� me has creado y me has dado este hermoso jard�n y todos estos animales maravillosos, pero no soy feliz”.
“�Por qu�, Eva?”
“Estoy muy sola”.
“Bueno, tengo la soluci�n: crear� un hombre para ti”.
“�Qu� es un hombre, Se�or?”
“El hombre ser� una criatura imperfecta con tendencias agresivas y enorme ego; poco dispuesto a escucharte e incapaz de comprenderte. Ser� mayor que t�, m�s r�pido y musculoso; tendr� habilidad para pelear y cazar rumiantes veloces. Se portar� bien en la cama, pero querr� dominarte y hacerte creer que te protege y lo necesitas. En resumen, te fastidiar� bastante. Si, a�n as�, lo quieres, te lo dar� con una condici�n”.
“�Qu� condici�n es esa, Se�or?”
“Tendr�s que dejarle creer que Yo lo hice a �l primero…”
Bush and bin Laden
Commonalties between Bush and Bin Laden (from received email )
1) Both are unelected, by the majority, leaders.
2) Both had training and a strong association with the CIA
3) Both were born with a silver spoon in their month
4) Both mix fundamentalist religion with politics far too much.
He or She???
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Sahara Forest
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.
“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the man.
The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”
“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.
“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”